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bumped CONTEST – The iOTW Roast of all things Progressive

Home - by - October 5, 2010 - 22:13 America/New_York - 336 Comments

This Contest Is Closed – Awaiting Judgment!

Okay. This was the winner of the contest contest, and in doing so it seems we killed Greg Giraldo, one of the better contemporary roasters. So, we will dedicate this contest to his spirit.

The idea here is that we are going to compile a routine of about twenty one-liners aimed at any progressive politicians, celebrities, bloggers, etc. and their agenda.

To prime the engine I present Roastmaster General, Lisa “Nothing is Sacred” Lampanelli. Look for her eerily prescient line to Greg Giraldo.

Definitely NSFW

This contest will be open until 2pm tomorrow. No prize this time because we will have 20 or so winners. No thumbing votes because we aren’t fooling around with the judging this time. Keep in mind that when you craft your witty zingers it will be under the watchful eye of VAN HELSING, the grand poopah of one of the best blogs on the innerwebz, Moonbattery.

No pressure, mwa hahaha. The 20 best, in his judgment, will be used as the basis for a script when we put this together as a routine. All selections will get their credit.

Do us proud.

» 336 Comments

  1. Will Profit

    October 5th, 2010

    “Chicago deserves to have Rahm Emanuel as Mayor. Hell, they gave us Barack Obama.”

    Thumb up +6

     
  2. Nunya

    October 5th, 2010

    Obama voters are so confused they don’t know whether to scratch their watches or wind their butts

    (just warming up; zinger isn’t mine, it paraphrases a line from Steel Magnolias)

    Thumb up +2

     
  3. old_oaks

    October 5th, 2010

    Progressives are such an accident, they needed their own insurance company.

    Thumb up +9

     
  4. I once tried to ride a horse, but couldn't find the clutch

    October 5th, 2010

    I’d rather be a Conservative nut job, than a liberal with no nuts and no job.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +22

     
  5. Papadoc

    October 5th, 2010

    Rahm looks kind of confused. He’s back at Man Country. “I thought this was Marlboro Country. I came to where the flavor was.”

    Thumb up +1

     
  6. BigFurHat

    October 5th, 2010

    Worst day of my life, I was down at the beach with the Obamas. Michelle was walking away and I accidentally accused her of sitting on my bag of milk duds.

    Thumb up +5

     
  7. BigFurHat

    October 5th, 2010

    I’m not saying Harry Reid is old, but if his balls hung any lower he could play hacky sack.

    Thumb up +4

     
  8. Will Profit

    October 5th, 2010

    “I’ll take, “Biblical quotations by Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi,” for $500 Alex.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +12

     
  9. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    So is Alan Grayson here tonight? Good news, Allan. I know this guy who’ll be expanding his organ grinder business this coming winter. He’s looking for a monkey’s apprentice to work in the collections department. You have any experience with a tin cup?

    Thumb up +4

     
  10. Papadoc

    October 5th, 2010

    What are you laughing at Bawny? You took one look at Harry playing Hacky Sack and wanted to join the Teabag Party.

    Thumb up 0

     
  11. BigFurHat

    October 5th, 2010

    I was walking around at the One Nation Rally. My, it certainly was diverse. Multicultural. In fact, when I got home there were cultures growing all over my shoes.

    Thumb up +4

     
  12. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    Watching Rahm leave the White House,Geithner turned to Gibbs and asked “Who did he have to blow to get out of this administration?”

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +15

     
  13. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    Hello, I’m Van Helsing and I’ll be your Proggtard roastmaster for tonight You know, I hear these gigs are popping up like mushrooms all over the country. So don’t tell me that the stimulus bill isn’t creating new jobs

    Thumb up +5

     
  14. BigFurHat

    October 5th, 2010

    You know food stamps come in the form of an unidentifiable credit card now. The thinking is that they want to spare the user the shame and indignity… of not knowing how to add up the currency.

    Thumb up +5

     
  15. Will Profit

    October 5th, 2010

    “Their’s a part of me that painfully burns for Nancy Pelosi to remain Speaker of the House, but Preperation H will take care of that.”

    Thumb up +2

     
  16. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    Did you hear they are remaking “Weekend At Bernie’s”? I’m not saying it’s political, but in the remake Bernie has a teleprompter.

    Thumb up +1

     
  17. Will Profit

    October 5th, 2010

    “Michelle Obama is not fat! She has a really obese inner child struggling to surface.”

    Thumb up +1

     
  18. BigFurHat

    October 5th, 2010

    Grants by Roger Ebert to a Helsinki Research Facility have finally paid off for the guy. They announced today that they have finally developed intravenous popcorn.

    (c’mon people. It’s a roast.. aim low.)

    Thumb up +2

     
  19. Althing

    October 5th, 2010

    Oh I see Barney Frank is here tonight. Ya know when they told me they invited a fat, cum-guzzling ass-fucker progressive my first reaction was, “Yeah? Which ONE??”

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +18

     
  20. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Hey I see Barney Frank is in the attendance…I know I don’t need to remind you to tip your waiter”

    Thumb up 0

     
  21. Althing

    October 5th, 2010

    I heard Nancy Pelosi was recently brought into the hospital for horrendous pain in her urinary tract. When asked by the doctor why she refused any medical tests she replied, “I want to pass it before I see what it is.”

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +34

     
  22. Ron Dickles

    October 5th, 2010

    Kagan, that chubby shag muncher. She couldn’t wait to get to the Supreme Court.. she thought Supreme meant it came with fries and a shake.

    Thumb up +3

     
  23. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    The secret is finally out my friends.

    Michelle Obama’s fashion advisors all along have been the Ringling Brother Clown Unit.

    Thumb up 0

     
  24. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    Even before I saw Obama throw that pitch at the All Star game I could tell that he never played Little League baseball. After all, you need a birth certificate for that, dont you?

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +14

     
  25. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    I ask ya…..What kinda name is Rachel Maddow for a guy anyway?

    Thumb up +9

     
  26. Betula

    October 5th, 2010

    I see Joe Biden is in the audience. I’d give him a plug,but that would be like giving Warren Buffett a dollar…

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +13

     
  27. Althing

    October 5th, 2010

    Ah, Barack Hussein Obama. Mmmm Mmmm Mmmm. This guy’s so in the closet the only guy he’s allowed to have gay sex with is the boogie man and some dust bunnies!

    Thumb up +2

     
  28. Stirrin the Pitcher

    October 5th, 2010

    Good news for Rick Sanchez. He is emoployed once again…as Jon Stewart’s grass cutter.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +11

     
  29. Melody

    October 5th, 2010

    1. Accept that some days you’re the progressive commie, and some days you’re the liberal retard.
    2. Needing a liberal is like needing a parachute. If liberals aren’t there the first time you need them, chances are you won’t be needing them again.
    3. I can please only one liberal per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
    4. Last night a liberal lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to himself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”
    5. A libtard’s Reality Check bounced.
    6. A lib who has, so shall a lib who. – Old Norwegian Proverb
    7. Someday a lib will look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
    8. There are very few liberal personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
    9. Good news is just life’s way of keeping a lib off balance.
    10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the progressives expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
    11. God did not create liberals in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
    12. I still miss some libs, but my aim is improving.
    13.A liberals thoughts: Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?
    14. Progressives and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
    15. Liberals will not accept your ideas more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
    16. Liberals don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.
    17. Libs indecision is the key to flexibility.
    18. Libs motto:If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.
    19. Libs don’t get even, they get odder.
    20.Libs way of thinking: In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
    21. Progressives considered atheism but there weren’t enough holidays.

    Thumb up +2

     
  30. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    Michelle Obama showed up at the Smithsonian yesterday. She was presenting them with the turkey baster who is the father of her children.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +10

     
  31. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Oh yeah…did you hear Nancy Pelosi is moonlighting as a mobile Botox storage facility”

    Thumb up +3

     
  32. Ron Dickles

    October 5th, 2010

    Troubles for Barney Frank. He was recently detained at the Mexican border. They found 6 ounces of a drug smuggler concealed in his colon.

    Thumb up +7

     
  33. Will Profit

    October 5th, 2010

    “Many people unfairly question Joe Biden’s intelligence. Today he announced that he will run for Vice President in 2013.”

    Thumb up +7

     
  34. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    (Rep., VA-8)

    Jim Moran, sober Irishman,
    since…uhh…what time is it?!

    Thumb up -1

     
  35. Combat Matt, Revolutionary

    October 5th, 2010

    Remember that couple who snuck into the White House awhile back?
    Well,they are in the crowd tonight!
    Stand up and take a bow,Barry and Michelle!

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +19

     
  36. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    Nancy Pelosi once entered a donkey in a race, and it won.

    The next day the local newspaper headline reads: Pelosi’s ass best in town.

    Thumb up +2

     
  37. Combat Matt, Revolutionary

    October 5th, 2010

    What if they had dashboard GPS years ago?
    The last thing Mary Jo Kopechne would have heard was
    “Recalculating”

    Thumb up +3

     
  38. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    Hey Barney I heard that when you were in college you fell so far behind in your History of Gay Porn class that you had to go down in your basement and pull an all nighter just to squeeze by. ‘Zat true Barn?

    Thumb up +3

     
  39. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    And Hey Barn, what’s this about a new boyfriend whose Secret Service Code Name is Bam Bam? I hope that’s not who I think it is

    Thumb up +1

     
  40. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Harry Reid’s here tonight!
    Everybody, let’s hear it for Harry Reid!
    (applause)
    We all wish you the best of luck on your new Reno Whorehouse after the 3rd!

    Thumb up +2

     
  41. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    Joe Biden recently bought an electric car but never drives it because he can’t find an extension cord long enough to go anywhere.

    Thumb up +7

     
  42. Combat Matt, Revolutionary

    October 5th, 2010

    I see we have Sir Paul McCartney here tonight!
    Remenber “Will she still need me,will she still feed me,when I’m Sixty Four?”
    That would be NO,Paul.
    Sorry it took 40 years and a one legged dancer for you to find out,though.

    Thumb up +8

     
  43. Doug

    October 5th, 2010

    Barney walked in to the garage to pick up his car. The mechanic said “sounds like you got something loose in your rear end.”

    “Oh gwacious,” said Barney, “Kevin called and said he couldn’t find his watch this morning.”

    Thumb up +4

     
  44. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Harry Reid.
    (pondering…)
    Harry Reid. HMM.
    I’d *swear* there’s a buried ’70′s porno film with that name.

    Thumb up -1

     
  45. Betula

    October 5th, 2010

    Harry Reid’s wife is driving him here tonight and I understand they are running a little late. Yeh, he just called and said “this whore is lost”…

    Thumb up 0

     
  46. Stirrin the Pitcher

    October 5th, 2010

    What do you get when you offer Biden a penny for his thoughts? Change back.

    Thumb up +3

     
  47. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Code Pink.
    What to wear when you just don’t care anymore.
    Sorry, sistas!
    Your support just keeps saggin’!

    Thumb up +3

     
  48. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Bill Ayers is here!
    Everybody! Bill Ayers!
    (applause)
    You da *bomb*, Bill!
    But, I thought the idea was to blow up OTHER people (cymbal).

    Thumb up 0

     
  49. Betula

    October 5th, 2010

    And I can’t help but feel that good ol Ted Kennedy is here with us tonight in spirits…

    Thumb up +2

     
  50. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Well…I…I never thought…LOOK, everybody…
    it’s Monika Lewinsky!
    Well, BLOW ME.

    Thumb up +2

     
  51. Racist Dad

    October 5th, 2010

    CenturyLink must be a progressive company, because they suck big ol’ hairy communist Mooshell balls! 8 G-D days to ship me a new DSL modem! But, Finally, The Racist has come BACK to IOTW! If ya smelllllalalalallllllllow what Linda MacMahon is cookin!

    Thumb up -1

     
  52. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Hey the First Lady is here tonight! By the way…Jane Fonda called and said she wants her ability to denegrate the country back “

    Thumb up +1

     
  53. Will Profit

    October 5th, 2010

    “There’s Barney Frank. Hi Barney! And Hillary Clinton. Hi Hillary, good to see ya.!…What’s the difference between these two?
    One has sucked Bill Clinton’s dick and the other one is Hillary.”

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +11

     
  54. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    Washington D.C. really is on another planet. And if John McCain isn’t proof that you go there as a normal American and come back as a pod person than nothing is.

    Thumb up +2

     
  55. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    So Sen Reid, what’s this I hear about you taking Sen
    Gillibrand to a hotel and performing oral sex on her? I knew you were hot for her, but …

    Let’s hope the voters in Utah don’t get wind of this or your poll numbers could take a real nose dive … (wa wa wa wa)

    That’s Mormom country for crying out loud

    Thumb up +2

     
  56. Ron Dickles

    October 5th, 2010

    Progressives are calling Whitman’s maid the new Rosa Parks – which must mean she refused to sit in the back of the coyote’s pick-up truck.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +14

     
  57. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Well …if it isn’t Bill Clinton’s personal humidor…How are you tonight Monica? “

    Thumb up +1

     
  58. Team America

    October 5th, 2010

    LMAO – all of these are great. Can’t wait to “reid” the rest later. Good luck.

    Thumb up 0

     
  59. merle

    October 5th, 2010

    Barney, can you help me out of this closet in Iran ? Yours truly, Ahmineedanuttybuddy.

    Thumb up -1

     
  60. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    So sad about Ted Kennedy. I was thinking that his brain surgery had been a complete success when he woke up in his hospital bed and said, “Thank God for the Reagan tax cuts!”

    Thumb up +2

     
  61. Ron Dickles

    October 5th, 2010

    I’m not saying Markos Moulitsas is gay… I’m shouting it.

    Thumb up +2

     
  62. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Ironically….Bill Clinton’s favorite song is ” Devil with the Blue Dress On “

    Thumb up +4

     
  63. Betula

    October 5th, 2010

    Unfortunately, Bill Ayers and his lovely wife Bernadine couldn’t be here with us tonight, he was “Hammered” and she was feeling a little “Sickle”.

    Thumb up +5

     
  64. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” I would like to congratulate the Secretary of State…on a recent trip to Alaska she was bestowed the honorary lead dog position in the ‘ Iditarod’ “

    Thumb up +3

     
  65. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    Barack gave Bill a cigar the last time he visited the Oval Office. Clinton said it tasted like shit.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +11

     
  66. Ron Dickles

    October 5th, 2010

    You know, a progressive Jew not supporting Israel is like the leaf blowing union not supporting Mexico.

    Thumb up +3

     
  67. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    We’re gonna give Faisal Abdul Rauf a pass this time.
    He’s out of the country raising funds for that Tolerance Mosque in The City.
    He said he’d *love* to be MC for the next event honoring Mayor Bloomberg, ’cause he can’t WAIT to roast Jews!

    Thumb up +3

     
  68. Wyatt

    October 5th, 2010

    You’ve been a great crowd, don’t forget to tip the waiter. Except you, Barney – I can’t afford another lawsuit.

    Thumb up +1

     
  69. Hanoverfist

    October 5th, 2010

    Liberals have no sense of humor but thats OK.

    Cause if you cant laugh at yourself,
    I’ll sure as hell laugh at you.

    Thumb up +1

     
  70. Nunya

    October 5th, 2010

    I’m not saying that Rose O’Donnell is fat…but when she sits around the house, she sits. around. the house

    Thumb up +1

     
  71. Nunya

    October 5th, 2010

    From my inner guy:

    So just how drunk does a guy have to be to bang a leftwing chick?

    Thumb up 0

     
  72. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Rahm Emanuel becoming Mayor of Chicago is equivalent to Reverend Jim Jones running the refreshment stand at the church picnic “

    Thumb up +3

     
  73. Nunya

    October 5th, 2010

    Helen Thomas is so old…

    How old is she?

    Helen Thomas is so old…

    Thumb up +3

     
  74. even steven

    October 5th, 2010

    It was so cold the other day I saw Al Gore with his hands in his own pockets.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +17

     
  75. Hanoverfist

    October 5th, 2010

    With friends like Progs,who needs enemas?

    Thumb up +2

     
  76. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Kenneth Gladney once answered a “Knock Knock” joke.
    Unfortunately for him, it was told to him by the SEIU!
    Stop it – yer *killin’ me here!
    NO – I *mean* it – the SEIU is KILLIN’ me here!
    Hellllllllpppp!!!!!!

    Thumb up +2

     
  77. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Wear the Union Label.
    OR ELSE.

    Thumb up +1

     
  78. Col. Angus

    October 5th, 2010

    I see the senior Senator from Massachusetts is here. Yo, John, why the long face?

    Thumb up +2

     
  79. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    How ugly is Michelle Obama?
    She gives BUTTS a bad name.

    Thumb up +1

     
  80. cfm990

    October 5th, 2010

    I hear Barney Frank wants to add another plank to the democrat party. Poor Barny, he just can’t get enough wood.

    Thumb up +3

     
  81. Nunya

    October 5th, 2010

    Didya hear that KFC has the Hillary special? Two fat thighs, two small breasts, and a bucket of left wings

    Thumb up +9

     
  82. MrMaryk

    October 5th, 2010

    And in other news, Ted Kennedy has been sober for over a year now.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +14

     
  83. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    You’ve been a *great* crowd tonight.
    Now, tell me (spotlight starts swirling around the audience), even though everyone in America is bitchin’ about how corrupt Capitol Hill is, let’s see a show of hands on this: who here has taken a bribe in the past year?

    C’mon Democrats, don’t be shy, it’s not like we’re C-SPAN or anything!

    Thumb up +3

     
  84. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Hey Joe Biden is in the house…STAND UP SHMUCK! “

    Thumb up +7

     
  85. cfm990

    October 5th, 2010

    I’m not saying Helen Thomas is old but.He birth certificate if written in hieroglyphics.

    Thumb up +3

     
  86. Nunya

    October 5th, 2010

    Progressives love America like Muslims love ham sandwiches

    Thumb up +3

     
  87. Nunya

    October 5th, 2010

    (we have GOT to find a new avatar for ginger) :)

    Thumb up +2

     
  88. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Obama is the political version of Mario Mendoza “

    Thumb up +2

     
  89. BigFurHat

    October 5th, 2010

    They say Obama is Lincoln-esque.

    He has the mole and big ears, and
    Michelle is the beard.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +13

     
  90. Nunya

    October 5th, 2010

    Michelle Obama tried to donate her inaugural gown to the Smithsonian, but they wouldn’t take it. They referred her on to KMart instead

    Thumb up +3

     
  91. BigFurHat

    October 5th, 2010

    There’s a film in the works, The Barry and Michelle story. Some really strange casting.
    They hired Ving Rames to play the lead… and Don Cheadle is being considered for the role of Barry.

    Thumb up +4

     
  92. even steven

    October 5th, 2010

    I heard Obama was going to hire a clown to perform at Malia’s birthday party. Hey, dumbo, save us taxpayers some money. Just use Biden.

    Thumb up +4

     
  93. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    I wanna tell ya CFM, Helen Thomas is so old that her first story about global warming was filed when that meteorite hit the earth wiped out the dinosaurs

    Thumb up +2

     
  94. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Obama really *is* like Lincoln…
    …just that Lincoln had his hole in the head AFTER he served!

    Thumb up +1

     
  95. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    That’s MISTER Boxer to you!

    Thumb up +1

     
  96. BigFurHat

    October 5th, 2010

    Progressives recently got a big kick out of the latest poll that says that a high percentage of TEA Party members actually believe Obama is a Muslim… ya.. in fact, when this was announced at the Truther convention it got a huge laugh.

    Thumb up +2

     
  97. Frosteetoes

    October 5th, 2010

    Last weekend the first family spent a few days at Camp David. While out in the back yard barbecuing a Sasquatch runs across the yard to a bush near the fence. Barack yells out, “Hey Michelle, stop shitting outside. Rick Sanchez and the other landscapers are complaining about the flies.”

    Thumb up +2

     
  98. Bilgeman

    October 5th, 2010

    “Hell-o Sheboygan! I’m Barack Obama.

    …nyone here from Honolulu?”

    Thumb up +1

     
  99. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    Obama doesn’t go to church, he has a biblical quote app on his blackberry. It’s right between Golf Courses and Glory Holes.

    Thumb up +2

     
  100. Betula

    October 5th, 2010

    Has anyone seen Nancy Pelosi’s face lately?Seriously folks, watch where you step, it’s around here somewhere…

    Thumb up +7

     
  101. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    Thank you, thank you you’ve been a wonderful audience. I’ll be sending my Alan Grayson around later for any contributions you can spare

    I know times are tough, but if you can spare a quarter or two, please drop it in his tin cup.

    Good night everybody!!

    Thumb up +3

     
  102. Frosteetoes

    October 5th, 2010

    Helen Thomas is taking a break out from her retirement for a month. She got a part time job at Six Flags Great Adventure, for Fright Fest. She is the latest Halloween display.

    Thumb up +1

     
  103. Frosteetoes

    October 5th, 2010

    Did you hear about what happened yesterday in the west wing mens room? Barney Frank and Elena Kagan were caught comparing the size of each others penis.

    Kagan won by a long shot.

    Thumb up +3

     
  104. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Wanna stop Islamic terrorism?!

    Tell each of the bastards that their first virgin is gonna be Christiane Amanpour!

    Thumb up +6

     
  105. Frosteetoes

    October 5th, 2010

    When Rachel Maddow was a little boy he wanted to grow up to be a sky diver. Well, he sort of got that wish when he signed on to MSNBC who have steadily been taking a nose dive in ratings.

    Thumb up +2

     
  106. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Take my goat, PLEASE!

    Thumb up +2

     
  107. Soup2Nuts

    October 5th, 2010

    Look who’s in the audience tonight — Florida Congressman Alan Grayson! I hear that Grayson is so unseemly and ill-mannered that you could press his face into dough and make jackass cookies!

    Thumb up +5

     
  108. Will Profit

    October 5th, 2010

    “Al Gore, what’s there left to say about this man? Senator, vice president, he’s done it all. Imagine poor Tipper laying there during sex wondering how to censor him while he’s screaming, ‘who’s your carbon offset, who’s your carbon offset!’”

    Thumb up +1

     
  109. Bilgeman

    October 5th, 2010

    Is that Lisa Murkowski back there?

    How sore a loser is Lisa?

    She’s banned from playing the lottery because she demands a refund on a losing ticket.

    And speaking of losing tickets, let’s have a hand for Lisa’s dinner companion, Delaware’s own Mike Castle.

    Mike Castle, everyone!
    I don’t know what happened on the campaign trail, Mike.

    It’s like someone cast a spell on you or something…

    Hey, is that Barney Frank and Al Franken over at the bar?

    Like I need a wisecrack here…THAT joke just writes itself!

    Speaking of jokes…
    John Kerry, everyone! And beside him at the Big Loser’s Table is his new sidekick, John McCain, who will be filling in for John Edwards from here on out.
    Didn’t want to retire a slogan as good as the “Two Johns”, would we?

    I am happy to say that Al Sharpton and the One Nation rally is here tonight.

    Glenn Beck was invited too, but couldn’t make it. Had he been able to attend, we’d have needed a MUCH bigger room.

    You’ve been a wonderful audience, no matter what the CBS crowd attendance estimate will be.

    And folks, try not to leave too much personal trash on the tables or the floor…Rick Sanchez is still in training at the new job.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +12

     
  110. Frosteetoes

    October 5th, 2010

    The real reason Rahm wants to go back to Chicago is because his Man’s Country membership is about to expire. Not only doesn’t he want to pay the reentry fee on top of the membership fee but that little shit Kal Penn has been sucking the dicks of men who Rahm use to suck. He’s homo sick.

    get it, like home sick

    Thumb up +1

     
  111. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    We’ve got a wrinkled up zombie, a wise Latina and a women’s softball player on the Supreme Court. Add a dirty, filthy whore and you’d have Madonna’s whole film career.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +10

     
  112. Frosteetoes

    October 5th, 2010

    After the concert, Cheryl Crow sat down on a patio chair with the rest of the band drinking beers. After few minutes she excused herself to use the rest room. She came back and sat in her seat and finished her beer, then got up and walked away. A puddle was left on the seat and one of the band members said, ” She never learns that you have to use more than one square of toilet paper to wipe the pussy region when your guzzling down beers.”

    Thumb up 0

     
  113. Betula

    October 5th, 2010

    Did you hear…. Ed Shultz claimed his rally was as big as Becks rally and Barney Frank over here immediatley volunteered to be the judge.

    Thumb up +4

     
  114. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    And hey, Barbara Boxer, I was just wondering. After you get tossed out of the Senate and get appointed Marin County dogcatcher, will it be Ok for me to call you “Ma’am”

    Or will you want me to call you “Dogcatcher Boxer”

    Thumb up +7

     
  115. Bilgeman

    October 5th, 2010

    I’d also like to recognize Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and especially her husband, Mud, tonight.

    Hey Mud, talk about “taking one for the team”!

    Speaking of teams, you folks might not know that Michelle Obama’s fashion advisory team is in attendance tonight.

    They’re the color-blind straight guys over there.

    And Supreme Court Justices Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor are here as well…ladies, sooner or later you’re going to have to make up your minds and render a decision over what to have for dinner!

    Ladies and gentlemen, we are here tonight to pay tribute to the late Senator Ted Kennedy.

    Senator Kennedy was a lifelong proponent of a government funded national health insurance plan for everyone.
    That’s why in his final battle with cancer, he courageously agreed to be treated at Duke University Medical Center rather than the local hospitals, Walter Reed and Bethesda,(which are for the rich folks).

    Senator Kennedy also was a staunch critic of the Bush policy of water-boarding terrorist detainees.
    He apparently felt very deeply that subjecting someone to a simulated drowning was a cruel and inhumane thing to do.

    Lastly, Senator Kennedy is interred at Arlington National Cemetery, down the drive a little ways from his two brothers.
    They would have buried him closer to JFK’s eternal flame, but for some reason, the Arlington County Fire Marshal was adamant in forbidding Ted’s grave to be any closer to an open flame source…

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +10

     
  116. Wyatt

    October 5th, 2010

    Al Gore sure is on a losing streak. Last night he requested a masseuse, and all he ended up with was a massage.

    Thumb up +6

     
  117. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    So, Mr President, I heard you had your first prostate exam the other day. And when the doctor said you were fine, you told him “You know what Doc, I think I’ll head on over to Man’s Country and get a second opinion.”

    Now my question to you is — Would that second test be covered under Health Care Reform?

    Thumb up +3

     
  118. sybilll

    October 5th, 2010

    Debbie Wasserman Schultz is here tonight. I almost didn’t recognize her with her hair straightened. It takes a lot of work to keep Cesar the Dog Whisperer from recruiting you for his next obedience training session.

    Thumb up +2

     
  119. jbinnout

    October 5th, 2010

    Seriously, it’s great to be here with the Progressive Party. The party that is like a septic tank, all the big chunks rise to the top.

    Thumb up +2

     
  120. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    Robert Reich, Rahm Emanuel,Tim Geithner,Barbara Boxer,Nancy Pelosi, Mike Bloomberg…What is it with midgets and their need to dictate? Put your hand down Napoleon!

    Thumb up +2

     
  121. Will Profit

    October 5th, 2010

    “And that fuck John Conyers. The prison commisary is making him pay with cash now for his wife’s account. Honest mistake with the check thing John. Yeah, just as innocent as having an old lady in prison. In CONgress, they call this asshole, Flubber.”

    Thumb up +3

     
  122. Will Profit

    October 5th, 2010

    “Hey Barney Frank, are you glad to see me or is that Fannie and Freddie in your pocket?”

    Thumb up +4

     
  123. niteowl

    October 5th, 2010

    Seriously, have you seen the economy lately? Yeah, goin’ down faster than Barney Franks on a gay intern.

    Thumb up +8

     
  124. niteowl

    October 5th, 2010

    Then Barack Obama stepped to the podium, and held up his hand:

    “Any illegal immigrants here tonight?”

    (silence)

    “Oh, sure. Just me, right?”

    Thumb up +5

     
  125. Combat Matt, Revolutionary

    October 5th, 2010

    Joe Biden finishes his ice cream cone and walks into the garage to ask the Mechanic if he diagnosed the problem yet.
    “Well,Joe,looks like you just blew a seal”
    No,thats just a little ice cream.

    Thumb up +6

     
  126. niteowl

    October 5th, 2010

    MSNBC rented a room for all their remaining viewers. I don’t want to say it was small, but it had a pay phone.

    Thumb up +2

     
  127. Doug

    October 5th, 2010

    AIDS, Herpes, gonorrhea, Obamacare, which word doesn’t belong?

    Answer:

    Gonorrhea, there’s is a way to get rid of it.

    Thumb up +6

     
  128. Javelina Bomb

    October 5th, 2010

    They say Rahm Emanuel can’t run for mayor of Chicago because he doesn’t have a permanent address here. Well, I know a gay massage parlor that would disagree with that.

    Thumb up +4

     
  129. Javelina Bomb

    October 5th, 2010

    I tried to make a ‘Barney Frank walks into a bar’ joke, but they always come out wrong. He’s the only guy I know who walks into a bar backwards.

    Thumb up +1

     
  130. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    And hey, Steven Colbert. Next time you pull the old faux testimony before Congress routine, SAY SOMETHING FUNNY … OK. That way the people in the room won’t be looking at you like you’resomething the dog just pinched out on the carpet

    That way you won’t get escorted out of the building looking like the biggest sack of used douche effluent this side of Keith Olbermann

    Thumb up +4

     
  131. Doug

    October 5th, 2010

    Too bad Jimmy Carter couldn’t make it, he’s a little under the weather. Last time I saw somebody looking that bad, he had a toe tag.

    Thumb up +3

     
  132. Soup2Nuts

    October 5th, 2010

    There has been some controversy lately as to which god the President prays to. Let me put that topic to rest here tonight — Barack Obama is a self made man and worships his creator!

    Thumb up +4

     
  133. niteowl

    October 5th, 2010

    A funeral procession passed by the course where Obama was golfing, and the President doffed his cap as it passed. One of his aides remarked that it was a gracious gesture.

    “It was the least I could do, for a dedicated Democratic voter,” he replied. The aide asked him how he could be certain the deceased voted Democrat.

    “Well, if he didn’t, he will now.”

    Thumb up +4

     
  134. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    I heard Bill Maher got stopped for DUI a while back. And when the cop asked him for ID, Maher slipped him a 20 spot and said, “Here’s my ID; don’t you think me and Andrew look a lot alike?”

    And the cop says “Twenty bucks to fix a DUI? What are you; some kind of comedian?”

    Thumb up +2

     
  135. Javelina Bomb

    October 5th, 2010

    I see the President’s here with his lovely wife. Yeah, the only “hope” in that marriage is that he stays away from ‘man’s country’.

    Thumb up +2

     
  136. Javelina Bomb

    October 5th, 2010

    Barack Obama is so far in the closet he can see his real birth certificate.

    Thumb up +2

     
  137. Bilgeman

    October 5th, 2010

    Ladies and Gentlemen, I;m sorry to inform you that tonight’s guest of honor, President Barack Obama could not join us tonight.

    Yes, I know, I know…it seems that he couldn’t produce a valid form of identification to hotel security.

    You know folks, during his campaign, President Obama picked up the nickname of: “The One”.

    Since then he’s grown in office, and now folks are starting to call him “The ONLY One”!

    Secretary of State Hillary Clinton seems to really enjoy that gag…why, she laughed so hard that she just spit out the human blood she was drinking.

    No, seriously folks. One of the memes going around during the campaign was that President Obama was going to preside over a “post-racial America”, and that may have been right.

    Y’see, if Iran gets atomic weapons, we may indeed be a “post-racial nation”…post-HUMAN race!

    But that’s okay, since we’re all be so broke and so deep in debt to the Chinese that the Communists in Peking will be the ones to take out Iran.
    Serves the Commies right for lending money to a Capitalist nation, doesn’t it?

    There’s been rumors that President Obama is somewhat thin-skinned.

    Well, I;m here tonight to put those rumors to rest.

    After winning the Nobel Peace Prize, Obama’s first phone call was to former Vice-President Algore.

    It was a very gracious conversation since Obama only once told Al:

    “The White House AND a Nobel Prize! Suck on it, bee-yotch! Stick your Oscar straight up your honkie ass!”

    Upon hearing these words, both Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel AND Vice President Joe Biden came running.

    Hey…Vice President Joe Biden, everyone.

    I said: Vice President Joe Biden.

    Joe Biden…from Delaware.

    Yes. THAT Joe Biden.

    Vice President!

    This is not a joke, you morons…this is reality.

    And folks don’t forget to tip Helen Thomas when you collect your hats and coats tonight. She’s still training in HER new job, too!

    Thumb up +1

     
  138. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Hey, Rahm! Before ya go, one bit of advice:
    be verrrry careful in your mayoral bid – ’cause you’re the only one in the game with a petard to hoist!

    Thumb up +1

     
  139. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    Is Helen Thomas here tonight? Ya know, normally I’m dead set against women converting to Islam and donning the burqa, but in Helen’s case, I think I’ll make an exception.

    So why don’t you convert, Helen; what’s the problem? Muslims don’t hate Jews enough?

    Thumb up +6

     
  140. Dianne

    October 5th, 2010

    Barney Frank walks into a bar backwards.

    And the bartender says, “Hey Barney, why the fat ass?”

    Thumb up +2

     
  141. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Would YOU pay to see Justice Kagan in a Mud Wrestling match with Vida Guerra?

    OK: HALF-price, maybe?

    Thumb up +1

     
  142. Bilgeman

    October 5th, 2010

    Anyone hear about Michael Steele’s Halloween costume?

    He’s going as a Republican.

    Thumb up +4

     
  143. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Halloween’s coming, folks!
    Only problem is, when carving a Pelosi pumpkin,
    which one is scarier: the face or the ass (h/t FreeMan)?

    Thumb up +2

     
  144. Soup2Nuts

    October 5th, 2010

    The President’s problems over his religion continue. He considered just becoming an atheist, but there are not enough holidays for golf!

    Thumb up +4

     
  145. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    “President” Obama!

    Thumb up 0

     
  146. Czar of Defenestration

    October 5th, 2010

    Okay, okay. SO, Obama has brought the entire country to the brink of bankruptcy in two short years.

    WHAT ‘cha wanna DO about it, GO EAT YER WAYGU STEAK!

    Thumb up +1

     
  147. Javelina Bomb

    October 5th, 2010

    Obama is so white, he’s not even attracted to white women.

    Obama is so black that when when he got his first paycheck as president, he didn’t go out and buy a Cadillac, he actually went out and bought CADILLAC.

    Obama is so muslim he wants his wife to wear a bag on her head. But… oh ok that’s not really that muslim.

    Obama is so kenyan make his decisions with voodoo ceremonies. He picked Kagan because a dried up monkey scrotum came up.

    Thumb up +3

     
  148. Bilgeman

    October 5th, 2010

    Anyone hear about Vice-President Joe Biden’s suicide attempt?

    Apparently he sat in an enclosed garage with the motor of his Chevy Volt running.

    Thumb up +9

     
  149. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    Robert Gibbs is always talking about all the jobs Obama has created. If that’s true, I want to know why he can’t find one for his illegal, welfare sucking leech, Aunt Zeituni. Obama took over GM. Can’t he take over Quaker Oats? Tell Jemima she had here turn. It’s Aunt Zeituni pancakes now, bitch.

    Thumb up +2

     
  150. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    I tell you that Abdul Ra’uf guy don’t get no respect. He goes to this mosque that has one of those blind imams. So he asks the guy one time when he went blind. And the imam says “First time I saw your wife without a veil.”

    Thumb up +3

     
  151. Bilgeman

    October 5th, 2010

    I seem to have schtick schtuck in moderation.

    Speaking of schticks…

    You’ve all heard about the recent drug overdose death of comedian Greg Giraldo in New Brunswick NJ?

    Greg’s agent said it was just Greg trying to “test drive” ObamaCare.

    However an unnamed source close to Greg is quoted as saying:

    “Jeeze…the lengths SOME people will go to to avoid playing Paramus!”

    Thumb up +1

     
  152. Aleister

    October 5th, 2010

    I’m not saying Obama’s an elitist, but the last time he ordered a Big Mac he was overheard to say, “What, no Arugula?”

    Thumb up +1

     
  153. Aleister

    October 5th, 2010

    For all the criticism Obama’s been getting lately, I have to say I really think he cares about the nation… of Islam.

    Thumb up +1

     
  154. niteowl

    October 5th, 2010

    After Al Gore’s failure in 2000, ACORN began filling in ballots (with an “X” next to all of the Democrats) to “assist” their people in voting correctly. One of their semi-literate people unfolded the pre-folded ballot, and took a look at it.

    “Say, what do you think you’re doing?”, the ACORN rep asked.

    “I just wanted to see who I was voting for,” the voter replied.

    The ACORN rep slapped her forehead; “You idiot! This is a SECRET ballot!”

    Thumb up +3

     
  155. FreeMan FOH Eng.

    October 5th, 2010

    Barack, I’ll tell you, I mean what a guy.
    He said he was going to get a leg up on the CEO of BP. When he did he decided to plug the hole instead.

    Thumb up +2

     
  156. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    Ain’t no roast without me. I’ve roasted more people dead then alive.

    Thumb up +1

     
  157. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    And Michelle, yeash. With a wife like that I would stay at work and play with myself.

    Thumb up +3

     
  158. Soup2Nuts

    October 5th, 2010

    What does Congressman Alan Grayson use for birth control? His personality!

    Thumb up +5

     
  159. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    Even Barack tried to get a leg up on Michelle, and when he did he found someone else there.

    Thumb up +2

     
  160. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    And I see John Kerry is here, Hey John, they are towing your yacht for being double parked.

    Thumb up +4

     
  161. Soup2Nuts

    October 5th, 2010

    You cannot find a man that is more dedicated to environmental causes than Congressman Henry Waxman. He loves nature in spite of what it did to him!

    Thumb up +4

     
  162. Aleister

    October 5th, 2010

    Word is that Obama will once again grace the cover of Rolling Stone magazine next month. Apparently, they’re doing a big story on the new Jackass movie.

    Thumb up +3

     
  163. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    And Rahm, He is going back to Chicago. He looked up his family tree and found Barack’s dog using it.

    Thumb up +2

     
  164. niteowl

    October 5th, 2010

    After the Democrats dismal failure in 2010, Obama seeks the advice of George Soros for the 2012 election. Soros tells him, “Jail Limbaugh, Beck, and Hannity; round up the Tea Party people, and have them shot; and paint DC city buses yellow.”

    Obama asks, “Why repaint the buses?”

    Soros smiles; “I’m glad to see, you had no questions about the first two items.”

    Thumb up +3

     
  165. niteowl

    October 5th, 2010

    Michelle says there are so many mirrors in the White House, it takes Barack an hour, just to walk to the Oval Office.

    Thumb up +2

     
  166. Democratic National Committee Rebuttal

    October 5th, 2010

    “We’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”

    Thumb up +1

     
  167. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    The question with Clinton was boxers or briefs. With Obama it’s crotchless or commando. Bill Maher would call that progress.

    Thumb up +2

     
  168. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    Have you seen the picture of Obama struggling to get an umbrella through a gate? Defending his boss,Gibbs says it’s easy to explain:they don’t teach umbrella theory at Harvard.

    Thumb up +3

     
  169. moth

    October 5th, 2010

    I’m not saying Obama is a disaster, but I just saw Gene Hackman leading a group of people up the Christmas tree.

    Thumb up +1

     
  170. moth

    October 5th, 2010

    I’m not saying Pelosi is old, but she queefed and we had a dust advisory for a week and a half.

    Thumb up +3

     
  171. moth

    October 5th, 2010

    I’m not saying Michelle is ugly, but gets residuals from Monsterquest.

    Thumb up +1

     
  172. moth

    October 5th, 2010

    Henry Waxman, what can I say, If you don’t nail down the coffin lid, sometimes they crawl back out.

    Thumb up +6

     
  173. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Hey, a shout out to Ted Kennedy; Ted just celebrated his one year sobriety! Keep pluckin’ that chicken, Teddy!

    Thumb up +7

     
  174. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Speaking of perverts, Barney Frank was banned today from entering the Library of Congress because he kept bending over his pages.

    Thumb up +7

     
  175. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Congrats to spokesperson Gibbs. Today in a Rose Garden ceremony, he was given a new pair of Presidential Seal knee pads.

    Thumb up +4

     
  176. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Barack and Michele are seeking counseling; she claims that in the bedroom, Barack makes her wear Sarah Palin glasses, and cries out, ” Whip me! Whip me like a sled dog!”

    Thumb up +7

     
  177. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Michele just came back from a junket of Air Force One; flew to the Rain Forest and used stimulus money to have a hundred acres slashed and burned in order to plant arugula.

    Thumb up +2

     
  178. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    I was truly saddened to learn of Giraldo’s death, especially because I thought they said “Geraldo”.

    Thumb up +5

     
  179. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Barack has a new interpreter to accompany Michele to the market; she couldn’t buy Clorox because she kept calling it ‘bleeyotch’

    Thumb up +4

     
  180. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    Here is Pelosi and Waxman sitting next to each other, what a couple, what a fine couple I tell you.
    They should have been the poster children for partial birth abortion. But look at them, even now they will are the poster children for euthanasia.

    Thumb up +5

     
  181. AvgDude

    October 5th, 2010

    Fat ugly whores in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

    Thumb up 0

     
  182. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    Why, anytime I want to see Nancy’s face, I just bend over and look at my ass in the mirror.

    Thumb up +4

     
  183. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    And Waxman, every time he sticks out is tongue, it looks just like a hemorrhoid.

    Thumb up +1

     
  184. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    And Justice Kagan is here, hello, I hear you recued yourself from 50% of the cases. What a job huh, why not take the rest of the year off why don’t you.

    Thumb up +2

     
  185. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    There is Robert Gibbs. The only guy who can make Rick Sanchez look like Einstein.

    Thumb up +5

     
  186. Roach Liberation Front

    October 5th, 2010

    Compare the United States to Cuba. One is lead by an American hating socialist who grants special privileges to his friends, gives long boring speeches and has an ego that demands a cult of personality to constantly stroke him. The leader of the other just admitted that 50 plus years of forced socialism has ruined his island.

    Thumb up +3

     
  187. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Nancy Pelosi…Bela Legosi…What’s the F@!KIN difference! “

    Thumb up +1

     
  188. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    I hear Steven Colbert gave testimony before Congress. (very long pause) – That is the joke.

    Thumb up +2

     
  189. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    And Barney Frank, yeah, If I had a face like his I’d shave my ass and walk backwards, But since Barney is here that wouldn’t be wise.

    Thumb up +3

     
  190. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Hey …is that Michelle Obama over there or is there a Star Wars convention in town? “

    Thumb up +2

     
  191. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    Did you hear Ed Shultz giving a speech at the One Nation Rally?. . . that is Ed’s problem too, No one heard it.

    Thumb up +1

     
  192. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    And let’s offer best wishes to Bill Maher who is recovering from a near death experience. After a wild party, he was barely revived after choking on his own vomit, although he vociferously denies that the vomit was his.

    Thumb up +5

     
  193. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    And Crooks and Liars reports that more people were in DC during the One Nation Rally then Beck’s Whitestock Rally,… just not all at the same time.

    Thumb up +1

     
  194. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” OK…they couldn’t even come close to getting as many as Beck did for the 10/2 rally…do you have any idea how difficult it is to inform the uninformed? “

    Thumb up +2

     
  195. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Take my liberal…sleaze! “

    Thumb up +1

     
  196. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    Al Frankin was getting big laughs in the lobby, right after he left.

    Thumb up +1

     
  197. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Hey …is that an Obama supporter over there or a head trauma victim…or both “

    Thumb up +1

     
  198. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    And Joy Bahar, what a looker she is , with a face like hers I would sooner date an Oregon Prom King.

    Thumb up +2

     
  199. merle

    October 5th, 2010

    Nancy .oh Nancy,is this what happens when virginity gets took ? Lets open it and pass it to see whats inside?

    Thumb up +1

     
  200. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” What do you get when you combine Harrison Ford and Barack Obama….” Let me Be a Clear and Present Danger “

    Thumb up +3

     
  201. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    So Michelle, still feeling proud of your country for the first time in your life? So how are you gonna feel after we kick your husband’s teeth out the back side of his head on Nov 2? Not too proud, I’ll bet

    See, that’s the ONLY thing that really concerns me about this upcoming annihilation of everything that I believe to vile and unclean on this Earth — that our whiny, arrogant, shallow, petulant First Lady will once again be ashamed of America.

    YA THINK??

    Thumb up +3

     
  202. Horrorman18

    October 5th, 2010

    ” Hey Pelosi…You must have been something before the Jurassic period “

    Thumb up +2

     
  203. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    And how about that Janet Incompetano – already planning for her post-political career, she’s got a gig lined up in Mexico, giving discount lap dances at truck stops.

    Thumb up +2

     
  204. Soup2Nuts

    October 5th, 2010

    Look who just walked in – Jane Fonda! Whoa, what did you do to yourself Jane? Wow, she has more plastic in her face than a Barbarella doll. So, what are doing in town? Working with Senator John Kerry to demoralize the American military in Afghanistan? But seriously, if you don’t stand behind our troops Jane, feel free to stand in front of them!

    Thumb up +1

     
  205. Frosteetoes

    October 5th, 2010

    Joe Biden was excited about taking a trip to Disney Land. As he was driving closer he saw the sign that read DISNEYLAND LEFT.

    He started to cry.

    Thumb up +4

     
  206. merle

    October 5th, 2010

    If I could only be a man like Reagan or Bush ,This golfing sucks !

    Thumb up +1

     
  207. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Heard that the other day, Letterman had to audition a new intern but couldn’t find his Viagra. Fortunately, Michele offered to loan him her strap-on.

    Thumb up +4

     
  208. Frosteetoes

    October 5th, 2010

    Henry Waxman walks into a gay bar. From the other side of the room comes a shriek, “Oh my God, he’s come back to haunt me!!” It was a case of mistaken identity. Waxman looked identical to the hamster that crawled up the gay mans ass and died.

    Thumb up +2

     
  209. Bilgeman

    October 5th, 2010

    BFH:

    Hey…please dredge me out of the spam filter!

    My Obama zingers are stuck in there!

    Thumb up +1

     
  210. merle

    October 5th, 2010

    I cannot wait to adopt a kid from a 3rd world country (heck what a tax break ,and I look good too on TV )The American poverty homeless kids, huh,No way the main stream would never cover it I need international, yours truly , Hollywood ( Hmmm ) ( P.S Screw you american kids )

    Thumb up 0

     
  211. Frosteetoes

    October 5th, 2010

    Obama comes back from his apology tour and waiting for him is a telegraph from Saudi Arabia that reads:

    Lovely to meet you. stop. When you genuflected to my grandfather. stop. I sodomized your rectum. stop. What you didn’t know. stop. was that I have a Prince Albert on the head of my penis. stop. I want my ring back. stop. Please remit jewelry upon defecating. stop. Sincerely, Saud Bin Abdulaziz Bin Nasir al Saud

    Thumb up +2

     
  212. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    Sure you are sitting there eating good here, why on Saturday I had a bumpy ride to DC on a school bus with a meal in a cardboard box filled with Arugula. I ran into 5 other people and none of them spoke English.

    Thumb up 0

     
  213. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    I sent a donation to Rahm for Mayor of Chicago, he send two thugs with baseball bats to my door telling me they think I am holding out on them.

    Thumb up +1

     
  214. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    I went to Arizona for a vacation at a place along the border of Mexico, and I had to bribe my way out.

    Thumb up 0

     
  215. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    It would be easy to call you all Pussies, but that part provides an enjoyable activity.

    Thumb up -1

     
  216. merle

    October 5th, 2010

    I crossed an O with a P with a R and a F ,So Whad yah get ? No Change for Hope,No Hope for a Change well , screwed !

    Thumb up -1

     
  217. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    What do you call the useless flap of skin behind a Prick? An Obama.

    Thumb up +5

     
  218. FreeMan Rodney

    October 5th, 2010

    Do you know what ProgTologists call the useless skin under a wallet? . . . A Taxpayer

    Thumb up +1

     
  219. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    So tell me again what work Obama did before he was President. He was a community what? … organizer? You kidding me?

    This guy couldn’t organize a food right in Somalia, know what I mean? He couldn’t organize a flag burning at a US embassy in Yemen. Hell, he couldn’t organize a two Afghani goatfuck in Kandahar.

    Organizer! Pffft!

    Thumb up +4

     
  220. Call me Lennie

    October 5th, 2010

    And what the hell happened to his famous persuading skills. Anymore, he can’t sell shit … and I mean that literally. He couldn’t sell a fresh, steaming pile of dogshit to a swarm of flies.

    He’s hopeless, I’m telling you. He couldn’t sell a rotting putrefied carcass to a vulture or a meat tenderizer to the Donner Party. He couldn’t sell a scapegoat to an Arab or 72 virgins to a jihadi. Hell, he couldn’t sell another pint of Guiness to a drunk Irishman

    He’s hopeless

    Thumb up +3

     
  221. Carbon Pootprint

    October 5th, 2010

    Hey did you hear about the bearded Marxist? Nah not Chris Coons, the one in the White House.

    Thumb up +1

     
  222. Carbon Pootprint

    October 5th, 2010

    The union guys installed the solar panels on the White house today. Unfortunately they installed them upside down and there is nothing bright enough inside the White House to generate one watt of electricity.

    Thumb up +2

     
  223. Carbon Pootprint

    October 5th, 2010

    Saw a headline on drudge today. “NYPD: Spike In Number Of Suicide Jumps From NYC Landmarks… ” Hey keep it up until the State turns red.

    Thumb up -1

     
  224. Carbon Pootprint

    October 5th, 2010

    Saw another headline on Drudge today “POLL: Most Californians oppose legalizing marijuana… “Duh!! How the hell can they pay off those underwater mortgages without the profits from drugs?

    Thumb up +1

     
  225. Wyatt

    October 5th, 2010

    I wandered around the One Nation Rally the other day, and almost changed my mind about abortion.

    Thumb up +1

     
  226. Wyatt

    October 5th, 2010

    I think Roger Ebert should take up boxing; at least he doesn’t have a glass jaw.

    Thumb up +1

     
  227. Carbon Pootprint

    October 5th, 2010

    I see the “Big Red One” has been thru here tonight. Good Night Mr. President. You suck!! bahahahaha

    Thumb up +1

     
  228. Team America

    October 5th, 2010

    Wow – I checked out of here at 3:30 p.m. on the 5th to go to P/T work & there were 69 comments. Cool. Now it’s at 248 & I haven’t read them all yet. Will be fun.

    Thumb up 0

     
  229. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    I hear that Rahm and Barney stopped by the mortuary for a couple of cold ones.

    Thumb up +6

     
  230. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Weekly newsrag at the checkout stand said that at Chelsea’s wedding, there was an awkward moment… the minister asked for the father of the bride to step forward, and both Bill and Janet Reno took a step.

    Thumb up +2

     
  231. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Why did Obama cross the road?
    His *** was stuck in the chicken.

    Thumb up +2

     
  232. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Someone stole the camel that Matt Damon had been riding to show his solidarity with the muslims. When filling out the police report, he stated that the camel must have had a large anus.
    “Why do you say that?” asked the cop.
    “Because every time I ride him, people say, hey, look at the big asshole on the camel.”

    Thumb up +5

     
  233. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 5th, 2010

    Sean Penn was watching a dog licking his privates, and said to his friend, “Wish I could do that!”
    Friend said, “Go ahead, the dog might like it.”

    Thumb up +5

     
  234. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    I see the Honorable Speaker Nancy Pelosi is with us tonight. As many face lifts as she’s had, if those stitches come loose everybody at that table will be in a trauma unit.

    Thumb up +2

     
  235. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    Holy Sh*t it is Rosie O’Donnell. Darling I have heard of having testicle implants, but never under the chin!

    Thumb up +4

     
  236. Aim Low

    October 5th, 2010

    Progressives are a bunch of Coc-suckin;MotherFu-kin;As-Lickin; Pu-systinkin; Scrotum Licking; Anti- American; Socialist loving Douchbags.

    You said to aim low; is this low enough. Or should I draw a Black woman, Pissing on America.

    Thumb up +1

     
  237. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    And Susan Sarandon. Girl in their day those tits were magnificent. But gees girl put em away! They look more like two drive up ramps on a tow truck now.

    Thumb up +4

     
  238. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    Janeane Garofalo. What can I say about a little troll like you? How about PROZAC and SHAMPOO!

    Thumb up +5

     
  239. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    And I see the new Senator Al Franken is here.
    Al went to see the doctor the other day and the doc said he had to stop masturbating.
    Al asked why?
    The doctor said “I’m trying to exam you.”

    Thumb up +4

     
  240. ScratchNSniff

    October 5th, 2010

    In a new Gaylip survey taken, voters stated they would rather be “F#$ked in the @$$ with a red hot poker” than vote for a democrat or Rino.

    Thumb up 0

     
  241. ScratchNSniff

    October 5th, 2010

    When measured against history, Barack Obama’s presidency will fall somewhere between the bubonic plague and the small pox epidemic.

    Thumb up +2

     
  242. ScratchNSniff

    October 5th, 2010

    Hell, after this president is done with us, the only thing left for him to do will be smoke a cigarette and take a nap.

    Thumb up 0

     
  243. ScratchNSniff

    October 5th, 2010

    Hillary, Michelle and Barry, I already watched 2 girls 1 cup.

    Thumb up 0

     
  244. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    John Kerry in da house. Yeah.
    Senator Kerry’s has had a stellar career. His greatest achievement? Marrying a crazy rich widow!

    Thumb up +1

     
  245. ScratchNSniff

    October 5th, 2010

    President Obama, when asked by reporters why he allows Michelle to dress the way she does. He responded by saying, “Never piss off a Wookie.”

    Thumb up -1

     
  246. ScratchNSniff

    October 5th, 2010

    Reporter: Kids often wonder why Barack you named your dog B.O.

    Obama: The dog reminds me of Michelle.

    Reporter: Cute and cuddly?

    Obama: No, a bitch with body odor.

    Thumb up +2

     
  247. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    And I see Markos Moulitsas of the Daily Kos is here too.

    You know what the question he hears over and over?
    Tell us again Mr. Moulitsas. How did that Hamster get up in there?

    Thumb up +2

     
  248. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    *tap tap*
    Hello. Is this thing on?

    Thumb up -1

     
  249. ScratchNSniff

    October 5th, 2010

    Nasa has recently aquired new funding for the Hubble space telescope. For deep space pictures? No, for a Rosie O’Donnell photo shoot.

    Thumb up -1

     
  250. ScratchNSniff

    October 5th, 2010

    This week Hollyweird gave the green light to a new roman polanski production about the life of a child golf prodigy. The working title is “Into little holes.”

    Thumb up 0

     
  251. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    Al Sharpton and Jessie Jackson couldn’t make it today. They’re organizing a march protesting the sun not shining as bright in black neighborhoods as it does in the white ones.

    Thumb up +1

     
  252. ScratchNSniff

    October 5th, 2010

    If James Cameron can dive down 2 miles and find the fuggin Titanic, why is it some office schlep can’t walk into the back room and find Obama’s birth certificate?

    Thumb up +1

     
  253. ScratchNSniff

    October 5th, 2010

    Well, the DNC finally decided on a new way to chose a candidate because the last one didn’t work out to well. It goes like this

    Einy, Meiny, Miny, Moe…..

    Thumb up +1

     
  254. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    And there is ol’ Bill Maher.
    Hey Bill, you still getting those Britteny Spheres moments where you shave your head and hit cars with umbrellas? Two words Dude…. Syphilis Test !

    Thumb up +2

     
  255. Snowball

    October 5th, 2010

    Oh, and there’s Elena Kagan! When she heard we were having a roast, she brought her own fork and a huge appetite!

    Thumb up -1

     
  256. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    I see the Vice President is in the house tonight also.
    Yesterday Joe told my this is just a theory but, he’s pretty sure those dogs in that picture don’t know a fucking thing about playing poker.

    Thumb up +2

     
  257. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    There’s the one and only Keith Olberman. He sure has his way with the women and has that animal magnetism about him. Must be why dogs are always humping his leg.

    Thumb up +2

     
  258. Diogenes Sarcastica

    October 5th, 2010

    *tap Tap*
    Hey, this thing on?

    Thumb up -1

     
  259. Tap Tap

    October 6th, 2010

    Your mike is not on. Tapping your Dick won’t help.

    Thumb up +1

     
  260. Lisa

    October 6th, 2010

    Lisa Lampinelly has had so many black dicks in her, She’s thinking of changing her name to Harlum.

    Thumb up -1

     
  261. Obama

    October 6th, 2010

    Hey Obama! Go get your shine box. The country can’t afford you anymore.

    Thumb up 0

     
  262. Obamas Wife

    October 6th, 2010

    Is so Ugly!! (This is not a joke it is a fact)

    Thumb up -1

     
  263. Liberal Voters

    October 6th, 2010

    Were so worried history would not be kind to Jimmie Carter,
    They elected Barrack Obama, the new:

    WORST PRESIDENT EVER;EVER;EVER!!!!

    Now when a president does something really dumb, they will call it a Barrack Obama.

    Thumb up -1

     
  264. Mondale

    October 6th, 2010

    Obama is so clueless. Walter Mondale had to tell him he was an idiot.

    Thumb up +2

     
  265. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    Did you guys hear that ObamaCare was actually part of a wager between Barack and Barney over who can blow a Dem majority faster?

    Thumb up -1

     
  266. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    Hey Barack, Halloween is coming up, why don’t you dress up as something cool, like, a REAL president

    Thumb up -1

     
  267. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    Hey Alan, you sure your last name isn’t short for “Graysonovabitch?”

    Thumb up -1

     
  268. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    Is it just me or would Biden sound a lot smarter if his mouth surgically fused to a kazoo ?

    Thumb up 0

     
  269. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    When Pelosi goes to Disneyland does everyone ask her why she hates dalmatians?

    Thumb up -1

     
  270. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    Joy Behar is so unladylike she’s practically Barney Frank’s type

    Thumb up +1

     
  271. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    Biden literally has to have shit for brains so the plugs can have something to take root to.

    Thumb up -1

     
  272. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    Isn’t it time to change the term “bald faced lies” to “telling a load of Carville’s?”

    Thumb up 0

     
  273. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    I’m not saying Michael Moore is fat…his ass is…

    Thumb up -1

     
  274. Alpha Maser

    October 6th, 2010

    Progressives… They’re all so open minded their brains have fell out!

    Thumb up +1

     
  275. Alpha Maser

    October 6th, 2010

    When you argue with a prog try this one.
    I’m not saying your uninformed, ill advised and cooky, I just think your dumb.

    Thumb up -1

     
  276. Alpha Maser

    October 6th, 2010

    Would you like some tea?

    Thumb up -1

     
  277. Alpha Maser

    October 6th, 2010

    If Hitler was a right wing nut job, why is Nazi short for National Socialism? What right winger ever supported any type of Socialism?

    Thumb up 0

     
  278. Alpha Maser

    October 6th, 2010

    If progressives are so forward looking, why do they keep trying the same old failed socialist crap over and over again?

    Thumb up 0

     
  279. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    Harry Reid thinks unemployment leads to spousal abuse, but that wont happen to him because his wife will show mercy

    Thumb up -1

     
  280. Alpha Maser

    October 6th, 2010

    What do you think you are progressing too? Socialism and Communism always fail.

    Thumb up -1

     
  281. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    Helen Thomas is really hot, for an ugly bitch

    Thumb up -1

     
  282. Betula

    October 6th, 2010

    I see Nancy Pelosi laughing over there…..

    I told her before the show that she had to laugh at the jokes before I tell them so she would know how funny they are…

    Thumb up +1

     
  283. Betula

    October 6th, 2010

    President Obama believes there are 57 States, Senator Byrd served in Congress for 57 years and John Kerry’s wife is an heir to the Heinz 57 fortune…. is it me or are the liberals playing a game of “catch-up”?
    Hey Monica, would you like a condom-mint with that?

    Thumb up 0

     
  284. Betula

    October 6th, 2010

    xxx…exactly the type of movie Kevin Jennings would have as required viewing in Kindergarten.

    Crickets…

    Thumb up -1

     
  285. Horrorman18

    October 6th, 2010

    ” Kevin Jennings showed up at a bare knuckle fight…when asked why he was there…he said he heard there was going to be ” fist to cuffs ” “

    Thumb up 0

     
  286. FreeMan FOH Eng.

    October 6th, 2010

    And this crowd, what a fine crowd indeed.
    Why, the only way most of you could get laid is if you crawled up a chickens ass.

    Thumb up 0

     
  287. FreeMan FOH Eng.

    October 6th, 2010

    Thanks BFH for that one.

    Thumb up -1

     
  288. FreeMan FOH Eng.

    October 6th, 2010

    You progressives are always hearing that you are screwing the taxpayer. Why with this batch, we now have to take that literally.

    Thumb up -1

     
  289. MickeyMoussaoui

    October 6th, 2010

    Hey Barack, Satan called. He said, “No way in hell is he allowing that bi-tch Michelle in, only you!”

    Thumb up -1

     
  290. Frosteetoes

    October 6th, 2010

    xxx and Oprah went out to dinner. After dessert Oprah ate zxx. She exclaimed, “This xxx taste like shit!” She then ate the Double Mint commercial girl to get the taste out of her mouth.

    Thumb up -1

     
  291. Frosteetoes

    October 6th, 2010

    James Hines anally raped xxx. When he was done xxx complained, “Not even the courtesy of a reach around?” Typical of progressives that they take something for nothing.

    Thumb up 0

     
  292. Frosteetoes

    October 6th, 2010

    xxx and James Hines sitting in a tree, k-i-ss-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Magoo in a baby carriage.

    Thumb up 0

     
  293. Call me Lennie

    October 6th, 2010

    Is Iman Ra’uf in the house tonight.

    Look iman, I want to apologize for calling you a douchebag … cause you have no idea what I’m talking about, do you? You Muslims are still about 3 millenia away from the vaginal cleansing stage of social development, aren’t you? You could say that Islam is basically in a pre-indouchestrual stage of personal hygiene … couldn’t you?

    So why don’t I just call you an asswi- Whoops, same problem, right. Hey, how come you’re giving me the evil eye. I haven’t said one word about Mohammed, have I?

    Thumb up +3

     
  294. Frosteetoes

    October 6th, 2010

    I noticed that xxx came to visit this thread. He made a lame joke about Chris Christie but he was really fantasizing about Michael Moore taking a shit on him. He learned to appreciate scatting thru James Hines and Magoo.

    Thumb up 0

     
  295. Brian

    October 6th, 2010

    It’s good to see Lt. Worf, I mean, Michelle Obama out tonight. I’m not implying your ass is big, but you might want to know that butter isn’t a vegetable.

    Thumb up +2

     
  296. Bilgeman

    October 6th, 2010

    Do y’all remember how Obama was supposed to be the “post-racial President”?

    Well, it turns out that that may have been true.

    Yes…considering his foreign policy towards Iran getting nuclear weapons, America might indeed become “post-racial”…the HUMAN race.

    Thumb up 0

     
  297. Frosteetoes

    October 6th, 2010

    Mohamed and iman rauf sat outside a local cafe drinking camel piss. Along walks a little girl with a goat on a leash. Rauf get’s a noticeable hard-on and Mohamed says, “Yes, isn’t she a hot young thing,” to which rauf replies, “She? I thought that goat was a he.”

    Thumb up 0

     
  298. Bilgeman

    October 6th, 2010

    It’s too bad that President Obama couldn’t be here with us tonight, but he couldn’t produce a valid form of government-issued identification, so hotel security wouldn’t let him in.

    I’m sure he’ll send his apologies at a later date…but not to you folks. You’re Americans.

    And do y’all rememebr during the campaign when Obama picked up the nickname of “The One”?

    Well, I’m happy to say that he has really grown in office…many folks are now referring to him as “The ONLY One”!

    Secretary of State Clinton really likes that joke, why she’s laughing so hard that she spit out the human blood she was drinking.
    Wipe your fangs, Hillary.

    Meanwhile, Vice President Joe Biden has agreed to step in and be the keynote speaker for the evening’s festivities.

    Ladies and Gentlemen, Vice President of the United States, the Honorable Joseph Biden!

    (THAT’S the joke, you dummies!)

    Thumb up 0

     
  299. Frosteetoes

    October 6th, 2010

    Who rides in a chariot and acts like a fruit?
    Ben Gay
    Who barebacks Rahm Emanuel while pretending to be straight?
    Barrack Obama.

    Thumb up +1

     
  300. Frosteetoes

    October 6th, 2010

    Joe Biden is so dumb that he mistook Michelle Obama for an ape. He didn’t know the difference between an ape and a Sasquatch.

    Thumb up +1

     
  301. Bilgeman

    October 6th, 2010

    I was talking to Senator Harry Reid the other day, and he’s having a tough time of it.

    He complained that he visited Nevada, and people treated him like he wasn’t even there.

    I had to commiserate with him…it’s a tough thing to visit your campaign headquarters, sometimes.

    Of course if he hadn’t interrupted his staff from faxing out their resumes and setting up job interviews, he might have gotten a warmer reception…

    To buck him up I suggested that he go over to the casinos and bet against his chances of re-election, and then take a dive in the last week.

    Sometimes, you just have to learn to play the Angle…

    Harry Reid, everyone!

    Thumb up +2

     
  302. Call me Lennie

    October 6th, 2010

    Guess what, Bill Maher I visited the New York Museum of Natural History this afternoon — they just opened up a new exhibit featuring your last humorous routine. It’s right next to the exhibits of Keith Olbermann’s last coherent statement and Larry King’s last meaningful interview.

    And here’s more good news. Next week they’re opening up an exhibit of cave paintings depicting the last time Joy Behar was good looking

    Thumb up +4

     
  303. Bilgeman

    October 6th, 2010

    I’d like to thank you all for being a lovely crowd.

    Please remember to be patient and tip Helen Thomas when you collect your hats and coats, folks.

    She’s still in training at HER new gig.

    Thumb up 0

     
  304. ScratchNSniff

    October 6th, 2010

    Wanna know the difference between the president and a real jackass? One has big ears, attracts flies and smells like shit. The other one is a farm animal.

    Thumb up +3

     
  305. Call me Lennie

    October 6th, 2010

    And I also hear there’s a fascinating new exhibit opening up at the Smithsonian of Civil War era photographs that show Rosie O’Donnell actually weighing under 300 lbs. Apparently, she had just been released from the POW camp at Andersonville. Wow, you never truly appreciate what a hellhole that place must have been until you see a pic like that

    And in other museum related news, Nancy Pelosi is negotiating with Madamme Toussad’s Wax museum on a deal that will make her managing general partner and star attraction.

    Thumb up +2

     
  306. ScratchNSniff

    October 6th, 2010

    If I was Rosie O’Donnell, I’d sue Mother Nature.

    Thumb up 0

     
  307. Commish4

    October 6th, 2010

    I’ll promise no to show the nude photos of Hillary and Nancy if you give me money.

    Thumb up 0

     
  308. ScratchNSniff

    October 6th, 2010

    How do muslims play hokey pokey?

    You blow the left hand off, you blow the right hand off…

    Thumb up +2

     
  309. ScratchNSniff

    October 6th, 2010

    If we could just get the combined weight, in gold, of Michelle Obama, Rosie O’Donnell and Al Gore, hell we could pay off the national debt and still have enough for some McDonalds.

    Thumb up +2

     
  310. ScratchNSniff

    October 6th, 2010

    Obamacare? Shit, do you really wants some dumb sumbitch to take care of you who can’t even keep up with his fuggin birth certificate? I don’t think so.

    Thumb up +1

     
  311. ScratchNSniff

    October 6th, 2010

    Heck, we could cut down on the alleged green house effect if Michelle Obama would just block the Sun with that fat ass.

    Thumb up +2

     
  312. ScratchNSniff

    October 6th, 2010

    A recent study completed shows that 4 out of 5 flies prefer fresh Obama over fresh cow manure.

    Thumb up +1

     
  313. Snowball

    October 6th, 2010

    (at an Anthony Weiner roast)

    When Barney Frank heard we were roasting Weiner, he RSVP’d twice!

    Thumb up +1

     
  314. Publius

    October 6th, 2010

    Christ. We are having a contest making fun of progressives and you have Van Helsing judge it? A known agent for COMINTERN, CHAOS and a closet notary public?

    I want my subscription back. BFH, the only thing that can explain this insult to the three of us who barbituate this board is your continued requirement for us to send bacon-sandwich care packages to Moon Battery for the Taliban.

    I am sick of this. I’m going back to picking up girls using my chloroform one-liner that always works, “hey does this wet clothe smell like Chanel to you?”

    Thumb up 0

     
  315. Call me Lennie

    October 6th, 2010

    I guess you could say that me and Van Helsing didn’t meet under the best of circumstances. You see, he was operating an organ grinder on 42nd street one day, when I acccidentally ran over his Rick Sanchez. Damn near bankrupted him. So what does the son of a bitch do? He takes me to court and forces me to buy him a rhesus monkey

    Of course, all was forgiven when it was discovered that Rick was pocketing dozens of quarters a day from the cup. Isn’t that just like a liberal?

    Thumb up +1

     
  316. Nunya

    October 6th, 2010

    Mmmmm bacon

    Thumb up -1

     
  317. Brian

    October 6th, 2010

    Hey, Bawney Fwank is here, what’s up with the heckling Bawney? I don’t come to your job and smack the dick out of your mouth!!

    Thumb up +2

     
  318. Brian

    October 6th, 2010

    Good to see you Bawney Fwank, I haven’t seen a queen this fat since Letifah!!

    Thumb up 0

     
  319. Brian

    October 6th, 2010

    Bawney Fwank and Dick Blumentahl are here tonight. Hey, Bawney, is it weird having a Dick next to you instead of into you?

    Thumb up 0

     
  320. even steven

    October 6th, 2010

    The other day I read where genetic researchers had spliced together DNA from a pig and a rat. Amazing! Which reminds me… I see Henry Waxman is with us tonight.

    Thumb up 0

     
  321. Betula

    October 6th, 2010

    Hey, I see Timothy Geitner is in the audience tonight…give it up for Tim everybody!

    No seriously, give it all up for Tim….empty your pockets, wallets and purses.

    Thumb up 0

     
  322. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    Its interesting that Van Jones thinks the GOP are a bunch of “assholes,” because I heard his mouth is registered Republican.

    Thumb up 0

     
  323. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    I swear, if John Edwards fathers any more bastard kids we’ll have to start calling him “Johnny Crappleseed.”

    Thumb up +3

     
  324. Jared H. McAndersen

    October 6th, 2010

    I don’t wanna make Barney Frank’s mouth water, but if the saying “I am what I eat” is true then Jimmy Carter is what he farms.

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  325. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 6th, 2010

    Michelle was describing the first night that she and Barry spent as man and wife. Said it was the first time he didn’t leave a twenty dollar bill on the dresser and call her a cab.

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  326. Slobyskya Rotchikokov

    October 6th, 2010

    Barry, Rahm, Barney and Gibbs walk into a gay bar but start to leave because there’s only one open barstool.
    “We got nowhere to sit!” says Rahm.
    Bartender says, hey, no problem, fellas. And he turns the barstool upside down.

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  327. Nunya

    October 6th, 2010

    Confucius say:

    Democrats in White House/Capital Hill/Supremes/high office is like balloon, or virginity: one prick like Obama, all gone

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  328. Brian

    October 6th, 2010

    Congratulations to Ted Kennedy, he’s been sober since August 25th 2009, way to go Teddy!!

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  329. Wyatt

    October 6th, 2010

    Not that Michael Moore needs to make another film or lose some weight, but the working title of his new project is “Looking for My Penis, Which I Haven’t Seen Since 1987.” Hey, maybe Rachel Maddow has it.

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  330. Betula

    October 6th, 2010

    Well since this is a progressive crowd we have here tonight let me just start by saying ACHTUNG!

    Danke! Danke!

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  331. Call me Lennie

    October 6th, 2010

    So what’s this new proggressive mission for NASA We’re supposed to use it to boost Muslim self esteem? Well, here let me help you libtards out

    I hate to break it to you Muslims but even if we one of you up in space next year, you’ll still be six decades behind DOGS and MONKEYS. And no, I’m not talking about Jewish astronauts — I’m talking about actual DOGS and MONKEYS!! I’m talking about Laika, the fucking space dog. The Soviet Union sent her up in space 53 YEARS AGO and that country doesn’t even EXIST ANYMORE!

    So put that on your prayer rug and bow to it

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  332. Wyatt

    October 6th, 2010

    The Times Square Bomber showed no remorse for his acts – claiming that there is a war with Muslims. However, in deference to Michael Bloomberg, Shahzad also admitted that he was “a little pissed about the passage of health care reform” as well.

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  333. Wyatt

    October 6th, 2010

    Al Gore plans to honor left-wing environmentalist James Lee, shot dead after taking hostages at the Discovery Channel network offices, for his selfless act of achieving “zero carbon emissions.”

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  334. Moxie Man

    October 6th, 2010

    Barry & Moo Moo’s first night together –

    Barry whips out his not so large member (he is only half-black, you know).

    Moo Moo looks down and says, “Who do think you’re gonna please with that thing?”

    Barry blurts out, “Me!”

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  335. Moxie Man

    October 6th, 2010

    Barry & Moo Moo’s first night together –

    Moo Moo looks at Barry’s diminutive pecker and says, “My, Barry, what a small organ you have.”

    Barry, aghast at the size of Moo Moo’s man cave, says, “Well, I didn’t think I was gonna be performing in a Cathedral!”
    Comments are closed

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  336. [...] highly recommended iOwnTheWorld collected political one-liners from its readers to use in a roast routine targeting moonbats. Yours truly had the honor of picking 20 winners from hundreds of submissions. [...]

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