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Things I Would Do To Bang Scarlett Johansson
Found via Kaching and or
So, there’s a guy on Twitter that lists the things he would do to bang Scarlett Johansson. (My crush on her diminished when she started in with the political talk. She’s a dunce. But a purty dunce.
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Here are some of the things the guy would do:
- Do a modern dance routine at Folsom Prison
- Trade backpacks with a Muslim
- Egg yolk popsicle
- Bill Gates haircut
- Wear a baseball uniform to a funeral
- Make this movie: Monkey Rock Star
- Bring swastika JELL-O Jigglers to a middle school graduation
- Smoke my own socks
- Sail around Somalia in a golden boat
- Have two sex changes
Not bad. Here are some of the things I would do to not have sex with Michelle Obama:
- Eat whatever I find in Neil Diamond’s sideburns
- Attend Hell’s Angel’s rally on a hoppity-hop making vroom vroom noises
- Hot Sauce Bidet
- Give Oprah a hickey… in her armpit
- Play “tummy sticks” with Henry Waxman
- Paper-cut on eyeball, with grapefruit pulp chaser
- Slow drive a black Lincoln Convertible through Dealey Plaza humming Pop Goes The Weasel on a bullhorn
- Attend a La Raza rally with a wet back
- Drink tea made from Steven Hawkings’ drool rag
These are just some of the things…
Mr. Pinko
July 29th, 2010
Been there, done that. She’s ok.
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Tong
July 29th, 2010
I certainly would not crawl a mile across broken glass just to eat the corn out of her sh*t.
Tong
July 29th, 2010
I would, however, do that to avoid the deed.
Angry Pancreas
July 29th, 2010
LMAO!
Joe
July 29th, 2010
Nice looking, but I have never heard of her.
shootersgrandma
July 29th, 2010
Joe, I think she’s a movie star, not sure. She could be a political icon like Oliver Stoned. Nowadays, it all gets so blurred for me.
Tong
July 29th, 2010
Maybe a quick jog through a mine field if she promised a peak at the birth certificate.
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Call me Lennie
July 29th, 2010
Drink tea made from Steve Hawkings drool rag? I couldn’t top that in a million years!!
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Terry
July 29th, 2010
My wife looked like that in college, 26 years ago.
She claims I begged her to marry me, maybe I did.
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Joe
July 29th, 2010
@CML
Drink tea strained thru m.o. south of the border hair.
It’s easy to top it.
toreydawn
July 29th, 2010
Haha! Well this was a memorable Mark Steyn piece (like any of his pieces aren’t) featuring Scarlett:
“Which brings me to our third Jill in the jeep: Scarlett Johansson. Like every other sad middle-aged loser guy, I fell in love with Scarlett’s fetchingly pert bottom in the opening of ”Lost In Translation,” and it pains me to discover she’s no different from Bishop Kate’s generation when it comes to being in thrall to the cobwebbed pieties of the 1960s. In a bit of light Bush-bashing the other day, she attacked the president for his opposition to “sex education.” If he had his way, she said, “every woman would have six children and we wouldn’t be able to have abortions.” Whereas Scarlett is so “socially aware” (as she puts it) she gets tested for HIV twice a year.”
It’s worth the read: http://www.jewishworldreview.com/1106/steyn112706.php3
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Grayscape
July 29th, 2010
She’s got nuthin’ on Pelosi. Where’s my cigarette?
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ScratchNSniff
July 29th, 2010
Beauty and brains rarely come packaged in the same container.
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Vegas Steve
July 29th, 2010
Those do seem to be bold tests of courage. Yet the desire to avoid the same fate that only two test tubes have met before, one’s tenacity must match the fatal abyss the other option commands. I would rather breathe in the first burp released from the Tupperware® panties, worn by Rosie O, after finishing the Atlanta marathon, held in August.
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Call me Lennie
July 29th, 2010
BFH, I may have to take back what I said
Things I would do to avoid the dirty deed
Share a bag of Roger Ebert’s popcorn
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Call me Lennie
July 29th, 2010
Have my prostate removed with a butter knife
shootersgrandma
July 29th, 2010
ScratchNSniff, please retract your statement, “Beauty and brains rarely come packaged in the same container.”
There is Kathryn Hepburn, and then…there is ShootersGrandma. I have a daughter who is pretty smart and good-looking too. I can also think of several present-day conservative females who make the mark.
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All About Alba Burr
July 29th, 2010
I vote we jack this thread and discuss Jessica Alba. She’s smokin’ hot, acts better than Scarlett and is a mother…married at that.
Also the lefties aren’t too happy with her because she considers herself an American and not a Latina.
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1852911/posts
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Grayscape
July 29th, 2010
I agree with Burr. I volunteer to bang her first….
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Snowball the Sourpuss
July 29th, 2010
I’d vote for Obama to bang Shandi Finnessey.
I’d even let Chuck Woolery watch.
Mkultra
July 29th, 2010
Re: avoiding flotus carnally
I would put my finger between a ding dong and Rosie O’Donnel’s fork.
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Admin Girl
July 29th, 2010
@All About Alba Burr, that was a great article! Thanks for posting!
ScratchNSniff
July 29th, 2010
shootersgrandma, your daughter does not count. Every mother thinks that their “baby” is the most adorable thing. That argument is null and void. Secondly, simply applying 1/2 gallon of bacteria infested, hypoallergenic grease to one’s skin does not a beauty make.
I won’t get into a who is smarter contest with you because I risk offending all the females here. That would be like dipping my honey soaked manhood into the fire ant nest. So I won’t be going there. Although…..nah, never mind.
I did say rarely, so that covers the few that you can personaly vouch for.
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Steve
July 29th, 2010
All girls look like her in the dark.
Snowball the Sourpuss
July 29th, 2010
@Admin Girl – I see you’ve moved on to a pair of lips. Let me know when you want to start using a nose. I’ve got some great ones to choose from.
Really though, that’s a cool set of post-a-delic lips.
shootersgrandma
July 30th, 2010
Scratch…I’m sorry, but my daughter does count. When she was a mere four years old, people would boldly come up to us to express how beautiful she was. We told them to shut the hell up because, although her beauty was rare, we did not want her to know just how close to perfection she was. At a very young age, we had a professional photographer take charge of her future. When she was but 14 years old, this man got blunt with us and said, “This kid is beautiful, but her talent lies on the other side of the camera. She keeps telling me what to do.” Since then, our daughter has become a talented landscape, structural, and profile photographer. In the meantime, marriage, two babies, and homemaking do not keep her down. She is still one of the most beautiful and talented women I know…and she has me to compete with!
My daughter is now 34 years old. She is married, and has a three year old son (Shooter) that we affectionately refer to as “Superhero Human Hurricane”. Her 5 month old daughter, Katie, (who is a Down Syndrome baby) just went through open heart surgery. Despite all her stress, I have yet to see in my daughter’s eyes any bagging or dark circles. She weighs just what she did on her wedding day. The beautiful curls in her auburn hair still beg for daddy’s fingers to caress, and her little brother’s affection is controlled solely by the batting of her lashes. She has become my best friend as no other mother can exlain. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. In my daughter’s case, the beholder might well be struck blind. She is truly a goddess whose perfection reaches far beyond her body. Her years and experience give her perfection like fine wine. If I was able to share her with you without repercussion, I would. Your jaw would drop and you would be asking for my forgiveness for your comment because yes, my daughter DOES COUNT!
Racist Cracka
July 30th, 2010
Well Grandma, show us a picture of the lovely young lady. My first born son was the same way. I got so unbelievably sick of people stopping us everywhere we went to comment (sometimes almost fanatically) about how beautiful my little girl was, that I started insulting people. It got to the point where my wife refused to go out in public with us. If I heard once, “OMG she is the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. Where did she get that amazing red hair?”, I heard it a thousand times. (Literally hundreds). My response became , ” It’s Baby Clairol! We dyed it like that so stupid people like you would interrupt our dinner and confuse our sons sex. Obviously the Bob the builder or Football onesie was too confusing.”
I actually had two different lesbian couples BEG me to SELL them my “baby making sauce”!
Jor-El Lives!
July 30th, 2010
Beauty is only skin deep. So you’ll do anything to have her huh? Peel her flesh off, and you’ll gladly chew on glass while running over hot coals in an 40 MPH wind tunnel billowing with carbon monoxide gas to get away from her.
Alpha Maser
July 30th, 2010
I have a similar list for Flo the progressive chick…
Rightwingfeather
July 30th, 2010
Who eats a ding dong with a fork?
Dan Ryan Galt
July 30th, 2010
The only extra-curricular “bangin” I get to do now a days (other than with my lovely wife, and she will kill me if she reads this) is with a hammer and nails…..and then I usually hit my thumb.
She is attractive but, “better to remain silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.”
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andy
July 30th, 2010
Did anyone see her on some talk show right after she went to the WH press dinner where she said, “We drank the kool aid?” It was probably an ignorant statement, but I hoped that Robert Downey Jr’s conservatism had rubbed off on the set of Iron Man 2 and it was a jab at Obama.
ginger
July 30th, 2010
Alright, you guys never learn. You think the trials and tribulations of poor Mel would have given you a hint. Those are pictures you are looking at, not the real person. You have to add lighting, make-up, hair dyes, hair bleach, hair removal, hair extenders,surgery, implants, shavings, carvings and photo shop to come up with the grand finale that you all so shamelessly drool over. Watch this vid and you will see. Also, the last link has a rather natural pic of Scarlett. Enjoy foolish men.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHMwZ7TIGbM&feature=player_embedded
http://www.virginmedia.com/movies/movieextras/top10s/embarrassing-movie-star-photos-2.php?ssid=16
Wait… Scarlett has a face??? I didn’t notice – bfh
1MadCrackerJack
July 30th, 2010
I thought she was nice looking til she opened her libtard mouth.
FreeManinPA
July 30th, 2010
Good Golly – let me go ask my wife what I can say here.
How about listening to her pillow talk “after” for a whole hour and not puke??? Scarlett that is.
Mz Obama – I would slide down a 50 foot razorr blade to get away. I’d such on a homeless guys nose till his head caved in to not do Mitch O’Drama.
ScratchNSniff
July 30th, 2010
@rightwingfeather, Bawney Fwank doesn’t need a fork to eat ding dongs.
FreeManinPA
July 30th, 2010
I’d masturbate with a cheese gratter, that is to not do the last lady, there would be no “point” to this to do SJ.
Snowball the Sourpuss
July 30th, 2010
@Freeman – re: Sliding down a razor blade. Reminded me of Spartacus. When I saw the movie as a small kid, that part scared the hell outta me.
MissInMich
July 30th, 2010
Considering MEschell wears the balls in that family, I would hope all the guys on here would be safe. I on the other hand, would staplegun my boobs to the back of my head and sew my vag shut with a rusty chain to avoid the wookie.
As far as Scarlett, the only bang I’d associate with her has nothing to do with sex.
R.Neville
July 30th, 2010
To avoid even SEEING Mee-chelle naked, I’d eat soup made from Obumble’s shorts after he had a 4-hour one-one-one b-ball session in a Bikram Yoga studio, garnished with whatever could be scraped out from under his big toe nails
Boobie the Rocket Dog
July 30th, 2010
Re: Scarlet J.: As Mickey Gilley famously said, “Don’t the girls all get prettier around closing time?” From my own experience I’d have to say, “Usually.” The Scralett ofmy choice would be Vivien Leigh whowas drop-dead (no pun intended) gorgeous until the day she died (see “Ship of Fools”).
As for MEshell, I think I’d require an implement… you know those front-end loaders designed for moving rolls of carpet, with the proverbial “ten-foot pole” coming out the front end? I MIGHT if I had one of those but it would probably be inadequate.
Moe Tom
July 30th, 2010
I would if I could but I can’t, ’cause my get up an’ go, has got up an’ left.
Mister Pibb
July 30th, 2010
Spend the night with my face buried between Rosie O’Donnell’s ass checks.
No, really!!
Publius
July 30th, 2010
Crawl through a NAACP picnic wearing a KKK robe and sign that says, “MLK was a Uncle Tom”, just to hear her fart on You-Tube.
mkultra
July 30th, 2010
@RightwingFeather,
I’m guessing Rosie spends all off-camera time armed with a fork (or shovel).
Ogdred
July 30th, 2010
Comedy is hard.
Call me Lennie
July 30th, 2010
Ginger, you want us to enjoy foolish men? I don’t understand, isn’t that what we’re doing on this site, enjoying ourselves as we stick it to the likes of Obama and Biden ans Rahm Em-
No wait, my mistake … You were trying to say “Enjoy (PAUSE!) foolish men” I guess that comma must have gotten lost in the IOTW Spamguard or something … huh Ginj
ginger
July 30th, 2010
Lennie, you slay me.
LibertyMark
July 30th, 2010
She likes older men (Jeff Goldbloom conquest. Beware chickies with Daddy Issues.
Moxie Man
July 30th, 2010
I would last about 13 seconds less than Rick Pitino did!
FreeManinPA
July 30th, 2010
To not do the Last Laddy – I’d super glue my junk in my butt crack.
FreeManinPA
July 30th, 2010
For SJ I’d drag a mule up a ladder.
Publius
July 30th, 2010
I always wanted to do FLOTUS.
Real sodomy: “take what whitey is givin’ ya’,” and “What we have here is failure to communicate.” Maybe ask her if she would like organic zucchini.
Chris
July 30th, 2010
Jeff Goldbloom?!
Uggh, takes me out of the running!
“Pretty is as pretty DOES”
Troy
July 30th, 2010
Honest to God, this made my day!
Doug
July 30th, 2010
For JA, I’d donate to Greenpeace and Code Pink, plus I’d throw in displaying an Obama sticker on my ride, (between 4am and 5am one Sunday morning only.
Doug
July 30th, 2010
I regret that I have but one thumbs up to give to Publius
MemphisRebel
July 30th, 2010
Re: Scarlett – I’d drink her bath water.
Salve
July 30th, 2010
What I would do not have sex with Michelle Obama: I would become BOGUS POTUS and appoint my own Basketball Czar.
As for Scarlett Johansson: I’d dare her to have sex with me! She would say YES because she’s not that dumb!
Salve
iOwnTheWorld.com » Blog Archive » Things I Would Do To Bang …
July 30th, 2010
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