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The Minimum Grade Act

Home - by - February 26, 2013 - 00:12 America/New_York - 19 Comments

hehe

CafeHayek

In a bold effort to improve the educational fortunes of students who perform at academic levels significantly below the average of their peers, Congress has mandated a minimum grade to be assigned to each student in each course taught at any school in the country.  Starting in September, it shall be unlawful for any teacher, professor, or instructor charged with assigning course grades to assign to any student a grade lower than C-.

Sponsors of the Fair Academic Standards Act decry the injustice that occurs each time a student earns a low grade, such as a D or an F.  ”It’s impossible for students with ‘D’s and ‘F’s on their transcripts to succeed as they deserve in life,” remarked Sen. Bernie Franken, an Independent from Elitia.  ”This law ensures that no American will ever again suffer that hardship.”

Opponents of the Act worry that the requirement of a minimum grade will prompt schools to refuse to enroll students whose academic preparation or skills aren’t yet sufficient to enable them actually to earn good grades.

Sen. Paul Rand, an outspoken opponent of the bill, admits that ‘D’s and ‘F’s are poor grades that are not likely to win good jobs for students that have many such grades on their transcripts.  Sen. Rand argues, however, that the Act will steer schools away from enrolling less-prepared students and, as a consequence, deny these very students the opportunity to acquire the education that will enable them in the future to perform better in the classroom.  ”It’s an unintended bad consequence of Sen. Franken’s good intentions,” suggests Sen. Rand.

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» 19 Comments

  1. wow

    February 26th, 2013

    I’m speechless.
    Kinda like affirmative action.
    For dumb people

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  2. chundog

    February 26th, 2013

    Is this a joke? It has to be. It’s pretty bad when this administrations policies are so terrible that you can’t tell id it is or not.

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  3. MaryfromMarin

    February 26th, 2013

    Following this line of thinking, hackers are even now endeavoring to redact BHO’s school grades to A++++ … (ad infinitum).

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  4. tripseven

    February 26th, 2013

    So C- is the new F…

    And that fixes what…never mind!

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  5. Unruly Refugee

    February 26th, 2013

    After being mocked for lowering the educational bar too low, some geniuses got together and decided to just throw the bar away and thus avoid all the painful ridicule.

    I know it has to be BS, but somehow it would not surprise me if it turned out to be a new 0bama policy.

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  6. Corny

    February 26th, 2013

    If grades don’t matter, teachers don’t matter. Where does that leave us? Schools don’t matter?

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  7. Col. Angus

    February 26th, 2013

    WTF could go wrong?

    “Paging Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard”

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  8. Boobie the Rocket Dog

    February 26th, 2013

    Just as Drudge yesterday illustrated the relabeling concept of “70 IS THE NEW 30″ with Hanoi Jane, this new law that SOMEHOW made it through a Republican majority in Comgress(?) renames failing behavior with a new letter of the alphabet:

    C- is the new F.

    So when do transcripts begin carrying an asterisk beside the C- ? And whom do they think they are fooling?

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  9. Czar of Defenestration

    February 26th, 2013

    When jokes become policy:

    Redistribution of Grades.

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  10. SgtZim

    February 26th, 2013

    If you’re gonna make a joke article like that, you can’t use real names or you should confess to the joke at the end! I have enough crap that makes my head explode already!

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  11. The Dolfer

    February 26th, 2013

    This is from The Onion, right?

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  12. the aardvark

    February 26th, 2013

    So why should these slugs even bother going to school when the worst grade they can get is a C-. Affirmative action for the lazy and the stupid. Just how soon do we have a real life handicapper general making everyone equal? This is totally absurd but then again we are living in an upside down topsy turvy world right now where nothing makes any sense.

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  13. Pickled Liver

    February 26th, 2013

    At last they’ll be able to get the dumbing down of the American Student on the fast track!

    Supported by Franken and Maxine Waters so you know it’s got to be well thought out! What could possibly go wrong?

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  14. MNHawk

    February 26th, 2013

    I think that Cafe Hayek guy literally stole Tom “Bulls**t” Harkin’s column from USA Today.

    http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2013/02/24/minimum-wage-sen-tom-harkin/1943745/

    They really do read alike. Except only one is claiming to be sarcastic.

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  15. Anonymous

    February 26th, 2013

    Just more of their “fairness” bullshit. No one has to earn anything anymore. And these pricks wonder what is wrong with the country.

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  16. Anonymous

    February 26th, 2013

    Come on guys and gals. Since we readers are so smart on this website, the bullshit detectors must be turned off this morning. Does the truth HAVE to be spelled out?

    The story is S-A-T-I-R-E.

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  17. Boobie the Rocket Dog

    February 26th, 2013

    @ Anonymous-

    How can we tell what’s satire and what isn’t any more from this congress? The GOPers are as disconnected as the RATs.

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  18. Pickled Liver

    February 26th, 2013

    Everything passed under this administration should be labeled “Satire” – to bad much of it is real!

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  19. AbigailAdams

    February 26th, 2013

    Sometimes I think these so-called “satire” pieces are trial balloons. How many times have we been met w/news that looks like something from the Onion?
    Yup.

    And if this was real news, it would be motivated by states getting federal funding for their per pupil headcount. Can’t have a very good headcount if your students are flunking/dropping out. Fewer students, fewer teachers, fewer union dues, fewer contributions to the Democrat party.

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