The People’s Cube
Dating a dictator can be a scary and dangerous endeavor. But it also offers an opportunity to meet the authoritarian oppressor of your dreams, provided that the proper precautions are taken. Whether you are a young starry-eyed Utopian or have been around the eastern bloc for a while, everyone can benefit from these tips and guidelines for safe dictator-dating procedures.
Do not jeopardize your livelihood for a night out having fun. By observing the following tips, you can still have a great time and live.
- Define the degree of your compliance with his authority. Let him know if you find his dictatorial methods unacceptable; if this angers him, mark this as a red flag.
- Do not rely on the tyrant for transportation – you may wind up in a boxcar or in an armored vehicle, being interrogated by a dictator you don’t really know that well.
- Pay your own way. Ignore the traditional rule of the tyrant feeding his subjects. Most dictators tend to think that just because they bought you a meal with other people’s money, you owe them something at the end of the night.
- Don’t get high. In all reported violent revolutions, drugs and alcohol were a major factor. So for the first couple of dates, discuss the greater good of subjugating the individual to the state authority in a non-alcoholic setting. In addition, leaving your drink unattended around a dictator may lead to a speedy confiscation and redistribution of your property.
- Don’t let your guard down. It doesn’t matter if the dictator seems nice – keep an eye on your belongings. Watch your purse, wallet, tax records, and bank accounts. Being overly trusting may signal an easy target to a dictator with dictatorial intentions.
- Withhold personal information. Don’t divulge your ethnicity, political leanings, or if you have wealthy bourgeois relatives. Only after you have collected some compromising info on him is the dictator worthy of your trust.
- Keep a thorough, detailed record of your date – in writing, or with concealed audio or video recording equipment. Having incriminating evidence hidden in a safe place will help to ensure a lasting, fulfilling relationship.