It’s a cesspool of humanity, with drunken women flinging bare boobs left and right so that men at higher elevations will throw cheap plastic trinkets at their over-mascaraed faces, people stumbling out of bars wasted at all hours on watered down sugary drinks with ridiculous names that imply bad hook-up decisions, journalists scrambling for photos of people pretending to have fun after sitting in the heat all day, entire teams of people tasked with occasionally spraying every surface with anti-bacterial soap lest the trademark infestation somehow expand beyond the city walls.
And that’s just an average day in session for Congress. This is the goddam State of the Union, where men are men, women are women, and everyone uses the time to finish up the hard liquor that’s been sitting at the bottom of the in-office bar since Election Day. This year, though, in addition to being DC’s drunkest night, it’s also the world’s, as cultures across the globe who long ago abandoned every other tenet of whatever Christian faith was hoisted on them by an invading force, have one last hurrah before the penitent and somber season of Lent.
So, let’s take a look at how these two events share the same basic framework, shall we?
1. Obviously, the most blatant similarity is the unabashed alcohol consumption, though while New Orleans partygoers will not be subject to open liquor laws (so long as you grab the necessary “to-go” cup), and will be vomiting their fun all over the streets of the French Quarter by the time midnight rolls around, DC’s consumption is limited strictly to douchebag bars and the conference rooms of those non-profits whose landlords left out the all-important drinking clause.
2. What happens in the special Joint Session, like what happens at Mardi Gras, stays on YouTube, and can sometimes really f*** up your ability to hold down one of those jobs that others (likely mistakenly) associate with people whose IQ ranks above that of a small kitchen appliance.
3. In other words, at both events, be careful who you make out with.