Home - by IOTW Reports - February 2, 2013 - 08:16 America/New_York - 32 Comments
February 2nd, 2013
I’d print up a copy of these suggestions and post them in my office, if I had an office anymore.
Hahhahahahh! Funny as hell!
Oh, dear. That’s a gut buster
Holy Cow!! That is HILARIOUS! I need to go make more coffee since what’s left of mine is all over my computer screen.
Thanks for the HEARTY laugh this morning MacCardigan! Keep up the fine work!
Maudie N Mandeville
I’m not falling for this. You’re just making fun of a serious situation. You had me until the copy machine. They only go up to 99 copies. I’m keeping my scissors in my pants and a pocket full of peanut dust.
I know what #3 is.
It’s an embryonic form of Cast Away Wilson – a sub-species of volleyball.
Oh my, yesterday I was talking to a young whippersnapper about having to type my research papers on a real typewriter and how happy we were when “white out” came out (loved the paper variety) and now you show a typewriter eraser. Gosh, I am old.
MacCardigan, I feel you’ve saved my life (emphasis on FEEL).
Czar of Defenestration
*I’d* opt for shaking a coke can REEEEEEEAAAALLLLLYY
hard and spraying the assailant.
WARNING: using Mentos in conjunction is not allowed in NY.
Fabulous, is there a bigger version? Tried to share it on FB and it’s teeny tiny, can’t read all the good stuff!
Don’t be dissing my MacGyver!
Oh, wait. He hates guns. F*uck him!
BFH – That’s OUT STANDING!! Your best yet. Be advised, however, with this one you’ve certainly earned your place on the shit-list at DHS.
Note to DHS: We are not laughing AT you, we are laughing WITH you. Really, Honest… Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
I fully expect the next DHS advisory circular to come with the same freedom of speech restriction the White House house placed on their anti-skeeter propaganda photo of Obama holding a teleprompter shaped exactly like a shotgun.
He forgot the deadliest office secret weapon of all…
ambush the SOB and drag him into a management meeting.
The poor bastard will instantly fall into a boredom coma.
He can then be bundled into the ‘Recycle’ bin to repose until pickup day.
Or, hopefully, the night cleaning staff will find him and just shoot him full of holes.
Mr. Pinko, you’re not FIRED today but Cardigan is. Sorry.
McMoxieMan is on his way to Staples to stock up, before those lethal office supplies are banned.
Thanks, Cardigan, F&*#kin’ Hilarious!
I never would have thought of any of those. Thanks MacCardigan, now I can feel safe in the office again!
Oh man, I am so screwed! Our windows don’t open and my white-out comes out of a roller! But, that copy guy…I out of this world! Name please. hehe
Paper clips (not the hollow point ones) and rubber bands(not semi auto) can be used,
Better to be water coolered by twelve, than gossiped by six.
This is some of the most innovative real world solutions to an office environment shooting I’ve seen in years. I’m going to forward this to all of my friends that still have jobs and hope that it will help keep them safe.
@ ambush the SOB and drag him into a management meeting
Purdy good but … send him a global, mandatory-attend invite to a STAT telecon attended by teams in every country on the globe chaired by a person for whom English is their 4th language.
You’re welcome, citizens! It was my pleasure!
*Stands proudly with hands at waist -
smiles- Bright flash of tooth twinkle*
Cardigan, you need to get yourself a super hero gravatar!
I forwarded this to a friend of mine. My friend’s response was:
“I favor eating lots of beans and carrying a lighter so I can improvise a flamethrower. Note: will not work with coffee beans.
The lighter could also be used to set a fire, into which you throw a handful of bullets, followed by yelling “fire” (assuming you don’t work in a crowded theater). This uses the commerce clause (buying bullets) and the First Amendment (yelling “fire”) instead of the soon-to-be-illegal Second Amendment. Assuming you can actually find ammo, that is.”
P.S. now I’m really GLAD I bought all those hair clips. I had no idea they were so multipurpose.
It’s cold and I’m bored, so I Binged images of “MacCardigan”, and this is what I got:
OUR Cardigan wouldn’t be caught dead in a basic black V-neck. (Make of that RACIST! comment what you will.)
Wyatt, Insensitive Progressive Jerk
My experience indicates that some of this advice is crap.
A deranged postal worker broke into our office building, so I decided to use the “White Out” tactic. I rushed down to the supply administrator, and filled out my request for White-Out in triplicate, only to be told that my request could not be filled until I provided not only my employee badge, but a photocopy of my driver’s license, a major credit card and proof that I had passed the “White Out Safety Test.” I rushed upstairs, obtained the required documents, gave the approved supply request form to the clerk to be filled. 30 minutes later, I had 12 bottles of “White Out,” along with 60 No. 2 lead pencils for some reason.
I then ran to an empty supply closet, locked the door, took off my clothes and liberally applied the White Out. (I should note that I was subsequently disciplined for discriminating against LGBT, minority, female and handicapped co-employees for appropriating a supply closet solely for me). I then stood motionless against the wall in the employee break room and waited, with my eyes closed as instructed, until at least three federally mandated rest break periods had passed. Shortly thereafter, the police arrived to take care of the situation, only to find that the deranged postal worker had already shot 25 employees, claimed job stress as a defense, and had obtained a job as an assistant executive producer on the “Piers Morgan Show.”
Technically, the “White Out Defense” kind of worked, but it turns out that White Out contains a chemical compound which causes breathing problems, which was not disclosed on the label, and which landed me in the hospital. Furthermore, while recovering I was served with an EPA lawsuit because I washed the White Out off in the shower, and the stuff is apparently a potential danger to any spotted owls that may be inhabiting our city sewer system. I’m not even going to to into the “second hand White Out fumes” charges leveled against me by various co-workers.
Thanks for nothing, MacCardigan.
With that many personal disasters, you qualify for FEMA relief. My condolences.
Czar. Sorry no coke cans allowed. But you could have the kids and teachers train on how to sneak up behind the shooter and stab him in the ear with a 2H pencil. That should certainly distract him or her, let’s not forget the possibility of “hers’ in the future, long enough to……… oh gimmeafukinbreak!
Wyatt. Funny. I did not get the pencil idea from you. I learned about it in a Joseph Wambagh book.
Also from knowing of innercity schoolteachers who reported some serious pencil stabs over the years.
Very, very painful, as you can imagine. Great weapon, but only in an ambush????
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