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Home - by - February 2, 2013 - 01:30 America/New_York - 14 Comments

HOPE N’ CHANGE

obama, obama jokes, hope and change, hope n' change, stilton jarlsberg, janet napolitano, homeland security, scissors, gun control

 

Following the tragic massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, the government is doing everything in its power to make citizens safer by taking guns out of the hands of sane people. But that doesn’t mean that they intend to leave us totally defenseless when facing down a well-armed psychopath.

That’s why the Department of Homeland Security has produced a video which explains that in an “active shooter” situation, you can take out the bad guy using an ordinary pair of scissors - assuming that the shooter isn’t wearing body armor, that he doesn’t see you coming, that you don’t slip in the blood of other victims, and that the shooter doesn’t turn you into swiss cheese when he gets tired of receiving annoying little jabs.

The video, produced at taxpayer expense and having all of the cinematic panache of a 1950′s“Duck & Cover” public service film, gives additional helpful tips that people might not think of when confronted with a death-dealing maniac: run away if you canor hide and be quiet while waiting your turn to die.

No mention is made of “shooting back,” because the only people who should be carrying guns are police, lunatics, and the Mexican drug cartels. Additionally, the video doesn’t clarify whether it would be permissible to use scissors against a radical Muslim like Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hassan, considering there’s a chance you might accidentally cut off part of his holy beard.

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» 14 Comments

  1. Unruly Refugee

    February 2nd, 2013

    Yeah, I hunt with scissors all the time. You just have to know how to throw them. If you are real good you can take out two birds with one pair – provided they are sitting very close together.

    Now if you are serious about self defense, hedge trimmers can be used the same way Moe used his fingers on Curly.

    Thumb up +4

     
  2. theJadedBarrel

    February 2nd, 2013

    @HopeNChangeCartoons, on your web site you show a picture of Assault Scissors. This is an out rage. Round Tip Scissors is the official safety weapon of choice. We wait for an apology and a sizable donation to “Criminals are People To” Foundation.

    Thumb up +5

     
  3. theJadedBarrel

    February 2nd, 2013

    Also make check payable to: Criminals are People Too. Don’t forget the extra O and dough($).

    Thumb up +3

     
  4. Snowball the Sourpuss

    February 2nd, 2013

    To hell with all that. I have a 25cc 2 cycle Snapper self-feeding weed eater that’ll trim an edge AND put some psycho punks eye out! Though, finding outlawed .080 gauge is getting harder to find.

    Thumb up +7

     
  5. Blink

    February 2nd, 2013

    DHS and BATFE are in a race to see which department is the most idiotic.

    Thumb up +4

     
  6. ronterf

    February 2nd, 2013

    I DON’T KNOW OF A SCHOOL WHERE SHARP SCISSORS ARE ALLOWED. NOW THEY USE THOSE ROUNDED BLUNT ENDED ONES.
    AND MOST OTHERS ARE FLIMSEY ALUMINUM OR DULL STEEL WITH PLASTIC HANDELS!
    WHAT A REEEEEETARD!
    (Oh can I say that?)

    Thumb up +4

     
  7. Bloodless Coup

    February 2nd, 2013

    Yes, Big Sis really does think you’re that stupid.

    Are you?

    “On Friday, a district court in California issued a notice of default on Barack Hussein Obama for the president’s lack of response to a plaintiff’s birther allegations. The U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California ruled that Obama had until Jan. 25, 2013 to respond to allegations that he had submitted fake IDs and forged documents in order to run for political office.”

    http://www.examiner.com/article/obama-gets-notice-of-default-calif-court-over-forgery-allegations

    Thumb up +5

     
  8. Carlsonal

    February 2nd, 2013

    What do they think, we’re in a great big kindergarten classroom? We need a department of Cookies and milk and nap time.

    Thumb up +4

     
  9. Dr. Tar

    February 2nd, 2013

    I don’t even carry a little pocket knife anymore thanks to Homeland security. But scissors, now that’s thinking.

    Say, how many attacks have ever been stopped by scissors?

    Thumb up +3

     
  10. FreeMan & Sarah Intend to Defend

    February 2nd, 2013

    Rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock?

    I’ll take the rock

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iapcKVn7DdY

    .

    Thumb up +1

     
  11. 123321123321

    February 2nd, 2013

    Just think of all the people they will find at shooting scenes clutching a pair of scissors in their hands. Tards.

    Thumb up +2

     
  12. 123321123321

    February 2nd, 2013

    dead hands that is…

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  13. the aardvark

    February 2nd, 2013

    When is there going to be a run on scissors at the local fabric store like JoAnn’s. And you better not get in the way of all those crazed ladies with their scissors and ettc.

    Thumb up +1

     
  14. the aardvark

    February 2nd, 2013

    Are they going to ban barbers and ladies hairdressers from having scissors as well?

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