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Home - by - January 11, 2013 - 18:00 America/New_York - 16 Comments

Hope N’ Change

monica lewinsky, clinton, stilton jarlsberg, hope and change, father of the year

Because this week’s news wasn’t surreal enough already, the National Father’s Day Council has declared Bill “Stinky Finger” Clinton to be “Father of the Year.” And technically, it seems like they might have jumped the gun a little since the awards ceremony won’t happen until June, and just maybe someone will show himself to be an even better father than Bill Clinton in the next six months – perhaps by not sexually abusing anyone.

Of course, the award isn’t given solely because of what Mr. Clinton has done for his own alleged daughter Chelsea (and we say “alleged” because Bill Clinton personally claimed to be sterile after raping Juannita Broaderick), but because of the great fatherly messages which he’s delivered to all of our nation’s youth.

For instance, he taught young girls that oral sex wasn’t sex at all - it was just really, really, really friendly. He improved women’s health by pointing out that when a tampon wasn’t readily available, a cigar could be substituted in an emergency. He bested Martha Stewart by showing how to make a beautiful, inexpensive fashion accessory out of bodily fluids. And giving the best fatherly gift of all to teens across the fruited plain, he made it perfectly acceptable to lie about sex. Including under oath – let alone when being questioned by pissed off parents!

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» 16 Comments

  1. Mayor DoomTurd

    January 11th, 2013

    Bill Clinton
    Started jogging near his
    New home in Chappaqua.

    But on each run he happened to jog
    Past a hooker standing on the same
    Street corner, day after day.

    With some apprehension he would brace
    Himself as he approached her for what
    Was most certainly to follow.

    “Fifty dollars!” she would cry
    Out from the curb.

    “No, Five dollars!”
    Fired back Clinton

    This ritual between Bill and the
    Hooker continued for days.

    He’d run by and she’d yell,
    “Fifty dollars!”

    And he’d yell back,
    “Five dollars!”

    One day however,
    Hillary decided that she
    Wanted to accompany her
    Husband on his jog!

    As the jogging couple neared the problematic
    Street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would
    Bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
    Wonder what he’d really
    Been doing on all his past outings.

    He realized he should have a
    Darn good explanation
    For the Secretary of State.

    As they jogged into the turn that would
    Take them past the corner,
    Bill became even more apprehensive
    Than usual.

    Sure enough,
    There was the hooker!

    Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes
    As she watched the pair jog past.
    Then, from the sidewalk,
    The hooker yelled…
    See what you get for five bucks!?”

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +18

     
  2. Reiuxcat

    January 11th, 2013

    Well why the EFF not?

    His O’liness got the Nobel Peace Prize, dint he?

    Thumb up +9

     
  3. Mayor DoomTurd

    January 11th, 2013

    I prefer his other moniker:

    AssO’liness!!

    Thumb up +3

     
  4. Moe Tom

    January 11th, 2013

    What a fucking shitty day. I woke up to that prick O’Donnell, the communist, harping on the Bible, then there was the gay porn parade in NYC. Around mid day obama and the afgan tyrant were on tv. I muted that. Then algore came on the news waving and smiling with that I’ve fucked you and I’ll do it again look, and now this father of the year shit.
    Bad day all around. Plus I think I am getting the flu.

    Thumb up +9

     
  5. Mary Jane Anklestraps

    January 11th, 2013

    awww noooo. Feel better, Moe Tom

    Thumb up +3

     
  6. sTevo

    January 11th, 2013

    Ha, Bill Clinton is a Vulcan. Who Knew?

    Thumb up +2

     
  7. xtacsgt

    January 11th, 2013

    A reporter asks Bill Clinton, “How’s Hillary’s head?”

    “It’s gettin’ better, but she’s no Monica.”

    Thumb up +8

     
  8. jclady

    January 11th, 2013

    Saw this comment on another site:

    Clinton is Father of the Year due to the numerous times he says, “Who’s Your Daddy?”.

    Thumb up +2

     
  9. Bad Brad

    January 11th, 2013

    That’s a strange looking pearl necklace.

    Thumb up +2

     
  10. Unruly Refugee

    January 11th, 2013

    Watching the world go crazy.
    Who’s their pick for mother of the year, Rosie O’Donnell?

    Thumb up +2

     
  11. Mr.Gates

    January 11th, 2013

    Father of the Year – based on raw numbers.

    Thumb up +2

     
  12. Bad Brad

    January 11th, 2013

    Best headline on this:

    If Bill Clinton is father of the year, Roman Polanski should be baby sitter of the century.

    Thumb up +3

     
  13. Nutjob

    January 11th, 2013

    This should make

    Fluke mother of the year

    Warren Injun of the year

    Geitner accountant of the year

    Biden dumbass of the year…no century

    Piers Morgan asshole of the year

    Michelle bigass Obama mrs fitness of the year

    and Barack as dictator of the ….next 4 years.

    Thumb up +1

     
  14. J Frank Parnell

    January 11th, 2013

    Looks like Bill has a high-volume enlarged, angry prostate.

    And her name is Hillary.

    ***rimshot***

    Thumb up +2

     
  15. Carlos The Jackal

    January 12th, 2013

    That’s about 2,000,000 of billy’s potential children on monica right there, so I guess it’s legit…

    Thumb up +1

     
  16. Tedjusant

    January 12th, 2013

    THAT DRESS,
    Thats snot it,/

    Thumb up +1