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He Was Paradiddling, That’s All

Home - by - December 27, 2012 - 23:59 America/New_York - 30 Comments

Sun Sentinel

Drummer accused of masturbating while driving on I-95

A female motorist reported a driver, later identified as Ronald Ayers, was performing a sex act on himself while driving on I-95 near Ormond Beach, reports the Orlando Sentinel.

The 36-year-old Jacksonville musician drummed up an excuse for the deputy who later pulled him over: Ayers said he’s a drummer who commutes between Jacksonville to Daytona Beach and he frequently simulates playing the drums while driving by hitting his steering wheel with drum sticks, which were found between his two front seats, according to the report.

But the woman was sticking to her story and reportedly insisted that it was not possible that she mistook the drum sticks for his penis.

Drum roll, please.

Get the DUHtails from the Orlando Sentinel.

ht/ Chalupa

» 30 Comments

  1. Menderman

    December 28th, 2012

    You can’t beat a story like this!

    Thumb up +8

     
  2. grayscape

    December 28th, 2012

    Like she never stuck her hand down there and diddled with her fingers…

    Thumb up +3

     
  3. Moxie Man

    December 28th, 2012

    But officer, I was just flamming the snares.

    Thumb up +2

     
  4. Moxie Man

    December 28th, 2012

    Brushing my Zildjian.

    Thumb up +3

     
  5. Bad Brad

    December 28th, 2012

     
  6. F.D.R. in Hell

    December 28th, 2012

    Bernard Rich says, “There’s more to the expression ‘beating the skins’ than meets the eye.”
    No comment yet from Tommy Dorsey.

    Thumb up +6

     
  7. Moxie Man

    December 28th, 2012

    Handy Nelson

    Thumb up +3

     
  8. Doc

    December 28th, 2012

    At least he could keep the beat.

    Thumb up +5

     
  9. Cynic

    December 28th, 2012

    “Officer, I was just beating it out of town”

    Thumb up +3

     
  10. Cynic

    December 28th, 2012

    It was a routine part of his daily come-mute

    Thumb up +3

     
  11. Cynic

    December 28th, 2012

    “no officer, I wasn’t: beating my meat, jerking the joy worm, polishing the bishop, pounding the pud, choking the chicken, flogging the mule, flagging my tallywhacker, clearing the snorkel, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake, punching the clown, shaking hands with Yul Brynner, adjusting the antenna, doing the five-knuckle shuffle, jerkin’ the gherkin, spanking the monkey, waxing the tadpole, clubbing a baby seal, or playing a one-stringer guitar.

    I was practicing my drums. Honest.

    Thumb up +5

     
  12. Chalupa

    December 28th, 2012

    There were no winners in this one – the female driver was ticketed for distracted driving, the drummer was cited for using a full service pump on a self service island, and the cop can’t look at glazed donuts anymore.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +12

     
  13. Snowball the Sourpuss

    December 28th, 2012

    So THAT’S why I get the funny looks cruising down the highway….hmmm. Good to know.

    Thumb up +4

     
  14. Frosteetoes

    December 28th, 2012

    Own up to it, it’s your car. There’s too much road rage and not enough self love anymore.

    Thumb up +5

     
  15. R. Neville

    December 28th, 2012

    Why should this woman give a rat’s ass what the guy was doing? Could it be that she needed a hot meat injection and just the sight of him made her crazy….and jealous that he was wasting it??

    Thumb up +2

     
  16. Boobie the Rocket Dog

    December 28th, 2012

    At 36 he should still be able to flamadiddle.

    Old guys paradiddle.

    Thumb up +3

     
  17. Boobie the Rocket Dog

    December 28th, 2012

    Every now and again, a GEM!!!

    Thumb up +4

     
  18. MNHawk

    December 28th, 2012

    So how does she see? Is she driving a semi?

    I’ll be the odd one out and presume innocence. The drum sticks were right there and I can see how using them might look like something else to some woman with issues, staring into the guy’s car.

    Besides, Democrat women still support Bill Clinton, who was successfully sued for dropping his pants, and playing with himself in front of a stranger. The behavior is OK, according to a majority of women.

    Thumb up +2

     
  19. Stirrin the B.S.

    December 28th, 2012

    So, she’s on I-95 traveling 75 mph and she’s observing the entire In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida drum solo in the lane next to her? Keep your eyes on the road lady!

    Thumb up +3

     
  20. Anonymous

    December 28th, 2012

    “The drum sticks were a natural wood color and closely resembled Ayers’s own natural wood color,” a report said.

    Thumb up +4

     
  21. Carlos The Jackal

    December 28th, 2012

    Was that a long stroke roll?

    Thumb up +2

     
  22. Mz BallBreaker

    December 28th, 2012

    She is probably a Lizzy and is pea-green with envy that he has SOMETHING REAL to stroke and not a strap-on dildo..

    Thumb up +1

     
  23. Boobie the Rocket Dog

    December 28th, 2012

    @ stirrin’ – lady?

    It’s possible to jerk off and drive one-handed, I suppose, but it is NOT possible to do a drum solo with sticks and pay any kind of attention.

    Thumb up +1

     
  24. Diann

    December 28th, 2012

    Drummers

    Thumb up +1

     
  25. Corona

    December 28th, 2012

    Old story.

    Thumb up 0

     
  26. Billy Fuster

    December 28th, 2012

    Old joke: An elderly woman calls the police to complain about her neighbor exposing himself from his bedroom window. When they arrive they see that the house is two blocks away and they can barely see the man’s bedroom window. The elderly woman explains–”Here, you need these binoculars.”

    Thumb up +1

     
  27. IronyCurtain

    December 28th, 2012

    Corona is right. I remember this exact story from at least a year ago.

    Thumb up 0

     
  28. Anonymous

    December 28th, 2012

    How is he supposed to practice his solo?

    Thumb up 0

     
  29. Tim

    December 28th, 2012

    The one guy in Orlando playing with his own PENIX and he gets taken to task!

    SHEESH!

    Thumb up 0

     
  30. TED JUSANT

    December 29th, 2012

    Good job he was’nt playing a trumpet.:)

    Thumb up 0