Home - by Cardigan - November 27, 2012 - 16:15 America/New_York - 67 Comments
November 27th, 2012
I am pressing one …
“What’s not to understand? I said, ‘half pepperoni, half mushroom and half sausage.”
Can you book me at a different resort? This place has corded telephones.
But doctor, I can’t wait six months for an office visit!
Well, if you can’t find a place that has hair color and straightener I’m gonna be looking like Morgan Freeman by Wednesday.
What do you mean my cabana boys aren’t going to show up?
Why, yes, my refrigerator is runn… JOE, IS THAT YOU?
“Is the two extra-larges with everything still only $15.99? No? Oh. Okay, no problem. Give me two extra large with everything plus cheesy bread and a 20 count hot wings. Oh, and a Diet Coke.”
Time picked that slut over me?
Could you repeat everything after hello? These wired connections are really bad…
No, Malia, if it’s a Kennedy they cannot be the designated driver.
So, what you’re trying to tell me is there isn’t such a thing as a 56 double-a cup? I’M WEARING ONE!!!
Mary Jane Anklestraps
“Yes. You heard me. Everything from column A plus the free eggrolls. “
They’ve been missing all morning.
One’s tall and skinny, one’s short and fat.
No, officer, my kids aren’t named Abbott and Costello.
I can’t think of anything.
Stranded in Sonoma
Uh huh. Yeah. Ummm, yeah. Yes. Uh huh. Yes, my balls are bigger than Barack’s. Uh huh. Yeah. I do hate this country, yep. Yeah. Uh huh. I have no fashion sense, yes. Ummm, yep. Yeah. Uh huh. Biden’s a moron, yeah. No, I didn’t vote in November.
…but you said I could come out as a man after the first term.
Yes and deliver that order to the back door.
Can you either speak louder or call back after my chefs turn off the diesel food processor?
No. No no. Barack isn’t here… I’m sorry, I don’t speak Click… What? What did you just call me?
Well clickety click you too, bitch!
I HATE a back-clickin’ bitch.
Let me think. 16 trillion divided by 310 million is…socialism.
“snif…but mama I hate Big Fur Hat. He makes me cry everyday.”
Are you sayin’ that they don’t make size 95s for my ba-donk-a-donk?
Well, that’s a tough question. Math is pretty hard and I’m not good at English either. If I get close, do I get a cookie?
Ugliest human alive, on a stick!
No. I don’t get dressed in the dark. Why do people keep asking me that?!
Yeah,mama, I know he throws like a girl.
“Which prezdint…Valerie or Barry?”
(nothing but dial tone)
“Hey doc – Prostate’s acting up again….and I need more Viagra.”
Yes, I said fattyboombaladdie!
These fat kids hafta stop eating fatty foods.
It’s all mine, I tell ya; MINE!
…Then I woke up with a pain in my ass and wearing a football jersey.
You caught Barack eating Rice?
So, what, I eat Rice every day.
Ya, I know, I’m talking about the Ambassador too.
“The bridge is the only thing speaking? Let me hear.”
What do you mean that Airforce 1 and 2 are in for service over the Christmas holiday? I can’t use commercial! What is wrong with you……….I AM SPECIAL!
“Yes, Mr. Soros. Of course I will, Sir. Right away, Sir.”
A whole tray of tamales on the floor? sniff, sniff … I toll ya there ain’t no God!
I think Joe’s jiving me … I can’t hear no ocean!
“How dare you! I think I would KNOW if my own husband was… what’s that? Yes, I’ve seen him doing that little run down the steps from Airforce One with his fists up by his chin but that doesn’t automatically make him… how’s that? Yes, I’ve seen him with his mom jeans and little bike helmet on but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s… what? Again?! Yes, I’ll come pick him up. No, I do NOT need directions to the Ramrod Club, smart ass.”
Mooch always has to put her finger in her left ear so to keep the words that are coming in her right ear will stay in her head and not go flying out the other side.
By the way, Mark Belling filled in for Rush today.
Every time he does I play a little game. Whenever Mark pronounces the word about “aboot” I try not to take my own life.
It ain’t easy.
What the fuck you talkin’ bout?
There’s nobody here named Arack-bay Bama-ofay!
No I don’t want an awning!!! Its a dress not a fucking tent you Honkie SOB!!!
Of course I dialed the correct number! MY phone has the latest techno-whatever stuff. There’s this cool new circular thingy you put your finger in and spin it around until it stops. Barack and I are going to make sure everyone has them!
No he can’t come to the phone and don’t call here anymore, Bibi. [click]
Hmmmmm, I wonder how long a dial tone will last.
I know honey they throw jerky at your sisters too !
What do you mean I can’t go there on vacation, I need a vacation after being around Barack. I’m entitled!
I can’t think of a damn thing. You guys covered everything. Oh wait.
Agent Kirby? No he can’t come to the phone right now. He’s takin’ a shit!
reggie calling for who?
Da Penguin Asks: Are we there yet
what the hell do you mean no twinkies!!
Get them here and get them NOW!!!
I don’t care how many factories you need to re-open
oh yes and barry wants a ding dong
yes and also one of those circular snack thingies
Carlos The Jackal
“Whattaya mean my ass has its own time zone!?”
“Yes, I know it’s 3:00 AM, but are you still delivering?”
So Dr., are you telling me that raising taxes won’t come close to raising what it would cost to fix my face?
Reggie, I don’t care if Barack loves to slide his driver up your hershey hole, and please stop telling me that his complexion is so nice because he loves to swallow your baby batter, I will not divorce Barack so that you can be first man-bitch of the USA!
99th Squad Leader
Did you say I can order the Sasquatch Special?
Mooch thought bubble, “Fries, Tamales, Buffalo Wings, Steak, Hamburgers…Darn it! Got to concentrate on what Barack’s saying to Reggie”.
OK…just shut up and write this down.
- 24 Lobster tails
- 2 Buckets French fries…and I don’t mean frozen
- 3 Quarts Grey Goose ice cream…Just. Do. It.
- 2 Pints Chocolate Syrup
- 3 Jeroboams Dom Perignon White Gold
- 2 Large Starbucks Decaf
- 2 Packets Nutrasweet
Oh…and consider this a Standing Order. Repeat in 2 hours.
No, beats me. I don’t know why our palms are white either.
Let me repeat that order,2 double cheese,no pickle, 1 large chili fries and a chocolate shake and deliver to the back entryway.
Mrs Obama, this is Dr Welby. We just got the results back from your husbands colonoscopy, two questions please. Are you a hermaphrodite? Are your children missing any gerbils?
I have no caption suggestion, but that is an OLD picture. It clearly shows her “pre-work” face.
“What do you MEAN ‘McDonald’s doesn’t deliver??’”
November 28th, 2012
The Kids names are Malia and Sasha, not Malaria and Sausage!
Thinking is hard
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