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Home - by - November 27, 2012 - 16:15 America/New_York - 66 Comments

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  1. Tim

    November 27th, 2012

    I am pressing one …

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +12

     
  2. BigFurHat

    November 27th, 2012

    “What’s not to understand? I said, ‘half pepperoni, half mushroom and half sausage.”

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +40

     
  3. BigFurHat

    November 27th, 2012

    Can you book me at a different resort? This place has corded telephones.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +11

     
  4. Ohadi84

    November 27th, 2012

    But doctor, I can’t wait six months for an office visit!

    Thumb up +8

     
  5. BigFurHat

    November 27th, 2012

    Well, if you can’t find a place that has hair color and straightener I’m gonna be looking like Morgan Freeman by Wednesday.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +28

     
  6. Mrs Compton

    November 27th, 2012

    What do you mean my cabana boys aren’t going to show up?

    Thumb up +7

     
  7. BigFurHat

    November 27th, 2012

    Why, yes, my refrigerator is runn… JOE, IS THAT YOU?

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +22

     
  8. Diann

    November 27th, 2012

    “Is the two extra-larges with everything still only $15.99? No? Oh. Okay, no problem. Give me two extra large with everything plus cheesy bread and a 20 count hot wings. Oh, and a Diet Coke.”

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +21

     
  9. Menderman

    November 27th, 2012

    Time picked that slut over me?

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +30

     
  10. Extirpates

    November 27th, 2012

    Could you repeat everything after hello? These wired connections are really bad…

    Thumb up +5

     
  11. BigFurHat

    November 27th, 2012

    No, Malia, if it’s a Kennedy they cannot be the designated driver.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +14

     
  12. BigFurHat

    November 27th, 2012

    So, what you’re trying to tell me is there isn’t such a thing as a 56 double-a cup? I’M WEARING ONE!!!

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +21

     
  13. Mary Jane Anklestraps

    November 27th, 2012

    “Yes. You heard me. Everything from column A plus the free eggrolls. “

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +25

     
  14. BigFurHat

    November 27th, 2012

    They’ve been missing all morning.
    One’s tall and skinny, one’s short and fat.
    No, officer, my kids aren’t named Abbott and Costello.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +21

     
  15. old_oaks

    November 27th, 2012

    I can’t think of anything.

    Thumb up +1

     
  16. Stranded in Sonoma

    November 27th, 2012

    Uh huh. Yeah. Ummm, yeah. Yes. Uh huh. Yes, my balls are bigger than Barack’s. Uh huh. Yeah. I do hate this country, yep. Yeah. Uh huh. I have no fashion sense, yes. Ummm, yep. Yeah. Uh huh. Biden’s a moron, yeah. No, I didn’t vote in November.

    Thumb up +7

     
  17. grayscape

    November 27th, 2012

    …but you said I could come out as a man after the first term.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +21

     
  18. Buffalobob

    November 27th, 2012

    Yes and deliver that order to the back door.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +12

     
  19. BigFurHat

    November 27th, 2012

    Can you either speak louder or call back after my chefs turn off the diesel food processor?

    Thumb up +8

     
  20. Mary Jane Anklestraps

    November 27th, 2012

    No. No no. Barack isn’t here… I’m sorry, I don’t speak Click… What? What did you just call me?
    Well clickety click you too, bitch!

    *click*
    I HATE a back-clickin’ bitch.

    Thumb up +6

     
  21. Stranded in Sonoma

    November 27th, 2012

    Let me think. 16 trillion divided by 310 million is…socialism.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +10

     
  22. grayscape

    November 27th, 2012

    “snif…but mama I hate Big Fur Hat. He makes me cry everyday.”

    Thumb up +6

     
  23. mcnorman

    November 27th, 2012

    Are you sayin’ that they don’t make size 95s for my ba-donk-a-donk?

    Thumb up +6

     
  24. Stranded in Sonoma

    November 27th, 2012

    Well, that’s a tough question. Math is pretty hard and I’m not good at English either. If I get close, do I get a cookie?

    Thumb up +5

     
  25. Norac

    November 27th, 2012

    Ugliest human alive, on a stick!

    Thumb up +2

     
  26. Mary Jane Anklestraps

    November 27th, 2012

    No. I don’t get dressed in the dark. Why do people keep asking me that?!

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +20

     
  27. Mary Jane Anklestraps

    November 27th, 2012

    Yeah,mama, I know he throws like a girl.

    Thumb up +8

     
  28. grayscape

    November 27th, 2012

    “Which prezdint…Valerie or Barry?”

    Thumb up +7

     
  29. m00pa

    November 27th, 2012

    (nothing but dial tone)
    Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

    Thumb up +2

     
  30. grayscape

    November 27th, 2012

    “Hey doc – Prostate’s acting up again….and I need more Viagra.”

    Thumb up +7

     
  31. Claudia

    November 27th, 2012

    Yes, I said fattyboombaladdie!

    These fat kids hafta stop eating fatty foods.

    It’s all mine, I tell ya; MINE!

    Thumb up +5

     
  32. Mary Jane Anklestraps

    November 27th, 2012

    …Then I woke up with a pain in my ass and wearing a football jersey.

    Thumb up +7

     
  33. BigFurHat

    November 27th, 2012

    What’s that?

    You caught Barack eating Rice?

    So, what, I eat Rice every day.

    Ya, I know, I’m talking about the Ambassador too.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +16

     
  34. CrustyB

    November 27th, 2012

    “The bridge is the only thing speaking? Let me hear.”

    Thumb up +2

     
  35. samminusa

    November 27th, 2012

    What do you mean that Airforce 1 and 2 are in for service over the Christmas holiday? I can’t use commercial! What is wrong with you……….I AM SPECIAL!

    Thumb up +6

     
  36. bill jones

    November 27th, 2012

     
  37. Hawaiian

    November 27th, 2012

    “Yes, Mr. Soros. Of course I will, Sir. Right away, Sir.”

    Thumb up +6

     
  38. Tim

    November 27th, 2012

    A whole tray of tamales on the floor? sniff, sniff … I toll ya there ain’t no God!

    Thumb up +1

     
  39. Tim

    November 27th, 2012

    I think Joe’s jiving me … I can’t hear no ocean!

    Thumb up +4

     
  40. IronyCurtain

    November 27th, 2012

    “How dare you! I think I would KNOW if my own husband was… what’s that? Yes, I’ve seen him doing that little run down the steps from Airforce One with his fists up by his chin but that doesn’t automatically make him… how’s that? Yes, I’ve seen him with his mom jeans and little bike helmet on but that doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s… what? Again?! Yes, I’ll come pick him up. No, I do NOT need directions to the Ramrod Club, smart ass.”

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +15

     
  41. Hawaiian

    November 27th, 2012

    Mooch always has to put her finger in her left ear so to keep the words that are coming in her right ear will stay in her head and not go flying out the other side.

    Noteworthy Comment Thumb up +10

     
  42. IronyCurtain

    November 27th, 2012

    By the way, Mark Belling filled in for Rush today.

    Every time he does I play a little game. Whenever Mark pronounces the word about “aboot” I try not to take my own life.

    It ain’t easy.

    Thumb up +5

     
  43. norman einstein

    November 27th, 2012

    “MAN’S COUNTRY”???
    What the fuck you talkin’ bout?
    There’s nobody here named Arack-bay Bama-ofay!

    Thumb up +7

     
  44. serfer62

    November 27th, 2012

    No I don’t want an awning!!! Its a dress not a fucking tent you Honkie SOB!!!

    Thumb up +4

     
  45. Stranded in Sonoma

    November 27th, 2012

    Of course I dialed the correct number! MY phone has the latest techno-whatever stuff. There’s this cool new circular thingy you put your finger in and spin it around until it stops. Barack and I are going to make sure everyone has them!

    Thumb up +3

     
  46. Xavier

    November 27th, 2012

    No he can’t come to the phone and don’t call here anymore, Bibi. [click]

    Thumb up +4

     
  47. Unneutral

    November 27th, 2012

    Hmmmmm, I wonder how long a dial tone will last.

    Thumb up +2

     
  48. gleez

    November 27th, 2012

    I know honey they throw jerky at your sisters too !

    Thumb up +2

     
  49. Ohadi84

    November 27th, 2012

    What do you mean I can’t go there on vacation, I need a vacation after being around Barack. I’m entitled!

    Thumb up +2

     
  50. Moe tom

    November 27th, 2012

    I can’t think of a damn thing. You guys covered everything. Oh wait.

    Agent Kirby? No he can’t come to the phone right now. He’s takin’ a shit!

    Classy lady.

    Thumb up 0

     
  51. nobarack08

    November 27th, 2012

    reggie calling for who?

    Thumb up +5

     
  52. Da Penguin Asks: Are we there yet

    November 27th, 2012

    what the hell do you mean no twinkies!!

    Get them here and get them NOW!!!

    I don’t care how many factories you need to re-open

    oh yes and barry wants a ding dong

    yes and also one of those circular snack thingies

    Thumb up +2

     
  53. Carlos The Jackal

    November 27th, 2012

    “Whattaya mean my ass has its own time zone!?”

    Thumb up +5

     
  54. Alxandro

    November 27th, 2012

    “Yes, I know it’s 3:00 AM, but are you still delivering?”

    Thumb up +4

     
  55. Poonces

    November 27th, 2012

    So Dr., are you telling me that raising taxes won’t come close to raising what it would cost to fix my face?

    Thumb up +1

     
  56. LibertyMilitia

    November 27th, 2012

    Reggie, I don’t care if Barack loves to slide his driver up your hershey hole, and please stop telling me that his complexion is so nice because he loves to swallow your baby batter, I will not divorce Barack so that you can be first man-bitch of the USA!

    Thumb up +2

     
  57. 99th Squad Leader

    November 27th, 2012

    Did you say I can order the Sasquatch Special?

    Thumb up +1

     
  58. 99th Squad Leader

    November 27th, 2012

    Mooch thought bubble, “Fries, Tamales, Buffalo Wings, Steak, Hamburgers…Darn it! Got to concentrate on what Barack’s saying to Reggie”.

    Thumb up 0

     
  59. norman einstein

    November 27th, 2012

    Room Service?
    OK…just shut up and write this down.

    - 24 Lobster tails
    - 2 Buckets French fries…and I don’t mean frozen
    - 3 Quarts Grey Goose ice cream…Just. Do. It.
    - 2 Pints Chocolate Syrup
    - 3 Jeroboams Dom Perignon White Gold
    - 2 Large Starbucks Decaf
    - 2 Packets Nutrasweet

    Oh…and consider this a Standing Order. Repeat in 2 hours.

    Thumb up +1

     
  60. Jackie

    November 27th, 2012

    UGLY!

    Thumb up +1

     
  61. chiefillinicake

    November 27th, 2012

    No, beats me. I don’t know why our palms are white either.

    Thumb up +2

     
  62. Millertime

    November 27th, 2012

    Mrs Obama, this is Dr Welby. We just got the results back from your husbands colonoscopy, two questions please. Are you a hermaphrodite? Are your children missing any gerbils?

    Thumb up 0

     
  63. Noelegy

    November 27th, 2012

    I have no caption suggestion, but that is an OLD picture. It clearly shows her “pre-work” face.

    Thumb up 0

     
  64. Rick

    November 27th, 2012

    “What do you MEAN ‘McDonald’s doesn’t deliver??’”

    Thumb up 0

     
  65. charlotte

    November 28th, 2012

    The Kids names are Malia and Sasha, not Malaria and Sausage!

    Thumb up +1

     
  66. Anonymous

    November 28th, 2012

    Thinking is hard

    Thumb up 0