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Mistresses give great headlines

Home - by - November 12, 2012 - 12:00 America/New_York - 16 Comments

DC

Hell hath no fury like a mistress scorned. So seriously, you guys, stop having affairs. If you are a fictional character in a popular 1987 film starring Glenn Close, then your mistress will boil your child’s bunny rabbit and then you’ll have to kill her in your own bathtub. Nobody wants that.

If you’re a real person with a respected military career and a high-powered position — say, the director of the CIA — your mistress will send threatening e-mails to your rumored other other woman and then you’ll be forced to resign in disgrace. Nobody wants that, either!

Fortunately for the everyday layperson, we get the opportunity to sit back and watch this all unfold like a Lifetime movie or a particularly unrealistic episode of “Homeland.” That means this will dominate the news cycle for at least the next week, and the most creative of news outlets (us) will squeeze every last pun out of the situation that they (we) can.

Here are the best headlines and jokes so far about the Petraeus-Broadwell affair so far:

5. The New York Post took a 15-year old joke and plastered it across the cover of its Sunday issue, complete with Petraeus as an Austin Powers look-alike, surrounded by four Brigitte Bardot lookalikes. The Post gets points for a topical James Bond tie-in (since the latest film came out this weekend) but it’s just too ludicrous. If this were 1997, we would be high-fiving the Post’s entire newsroom. But it’s not, so we won’t.

4. On Saturday, the New York Daily News took a simple but clever approach to its front page with a simple acronym. We admire he Daily News’ restraint here, and are currently thinking of filthier acronyms as we speak.

 

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» 16 Comments

  1. Anne

    November 12th, 2012

    Makes you wonder if his competence was exaggerated, doesn’t it?

    We know now that affirmative acrion General, Colin Powell, was a bumbling, incompetent twit.

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  2. Birdie Num Num

    November 12th, 2012

    This thing is neither amusing or entertaining.

    This is a transparently engineered distraction, both directly as it conveeeeniently removes Petraus from his CIA post to officially disable him to testify about the Bengahzi scandal three days after the election, and indirectly to produce a media circus to take the attention off of the regime’s failures and thugocracy.

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  3. Extirpates

    November 12th, 2012

    This is another failure to communicate. The word “embedded” should have been more clearly defined by DoD.

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  4. 123321123321

    November 12th, 2012

    Why is it that all these people are bailing on Obama over Benghazi and Petraeus has the convenient excuse of being a horn dog?

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  5. 987789

    November 12th, 2012

    they be bitches

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  6. Rick

    November 12th, 2012

    “Who gave the order to ‘Stand Down?’ and why were the general and the admiral fired”?

    “Petraeus is a horn-dog!”

    “Why doesn’t Hillary ‘Accept the responsibility, but not the accountability’ not have to testify?”

    “Petraeus boinking his biographer!”

    “Why were those men left to die?”
    “Because… SQUIRREL!”

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  7. Anonymous

    November 12th, 2012

    @ birdie – you took the words out of my mouth.

    alinksy: Go after people and not institutions; people hurt faster than institutions. (This is cruel, but very effective. Direct, personalized criticism and ridicule works.)

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  8. RANDO

    November 12th, 2012

    covert affair…no longer.

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  9. Annie

    November 12th, 2012

    Best I remember, sex is a glorious thing but dang people. Dividing your life’s-efforts assests is most unsettling and then there’s that pesky virus lurking about.

    It was probably love. snicker

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  10. Anonymous

    November 12th, 2012

    never ever forget the real story behind this garbage;

    four American men where brutalized and murdered.
    Men who served this nation. Men with bereft families who are watching this spectacle.

    And the cold blooded psychopaths in DC?
    They’re busy stealing trillions, dining on wagyu steaks and laughing at the imbeciles falling for this filth.

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  11. Anonymous

    November 12th, 2012

    comment from lucianne:

    Reply 32 – Posted by: confused, 11/12/2012 11:20:30 AM (No. 9008914)

    I believe that this Petrayus and Behgahazi nonsense is strictly a “wag the dog” operation to distract us from the largest stolen election in the history of the USA!

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  12. Carlos The Jackal

    November 12th, 2012

    All In (snicker)

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  13. Dismas In Wonderland

    November 12th, 2012

    Are we sure that this isn’t Comrade Obama’s attempt to mimic one of his communist heroes – Stalin?

    Between this fiasco, and the the trumped up Secret Service fiasco, Obama is trying to purge everybody in his administration that isn’t completely mesmerized by his cult of personality. Remember obfuscation, misdirection, and out & out lies are the starting position of our “Dear Leader” comrade Obama. After that it starts getting real crazy.

    Let the purges commence.

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  14. Anne

    November 12th, 2012

    He lied to his wife, and you don’t think he’ll lie under oath?

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  15. Machloja

    November 12th, 2012

    Four star general taking commands from his own dick (probably a five star dick), can you imagine what’s going on on private level with all those women in military ?
    This country is going to a shambles most definitely.

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  16. Anne

    November 12th, 2012

    Director of the CIA, and couldn’t keep his affair a secret???

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