iOwnTheWorld.com

Reins? Who needs reins when he’s got ears like flapjacks?

+8

My name is Bill.

+4

“You want a piece of me? Ok, c’mon tough guy, give me best shot!”

+3

Romney’s ahead?

FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

+3

These cuffs are too damn tight! Do you know who I am? I’m the f_ckin’ VICE f_ckin’ PRESIDENT! Turn me loose or I’ll have your badges!!

+3

I’ll fight any woman in the joint!…

+5

I just sharted, I think.

+3

Fffffucking Big Time!

+2

If I hold my head just right the light goes in one ear and out the other.

+2

Teddy and Dodd liked their waitress sammiches but I tell ya what, me and Barack have what we call the Reggie Love Pita. I grab ‘holt of them clean, articulate buttcheeks and…well, I don’t need to tell you folks here in Louisville how it’s done, now do I!

CLEVELAND, sorry, I meant Cleavland, oh God, Joe, what’d you say now…

Y’know, I had Hillary and Michelle lay one of your steamers on me in the Hamptons one weekend…

+4

Givin’ POTUS all 3 inches!

+3

I didn’t get a harumph outa that guy!

+5

I just did number 1 and 2, jackpot!

+3

Ain’t nothin’ “silent, but deadly” ’bout that one. That there’s a beefy one!! Betcha ol’ Mittens can’t cut one like that!!!

+5

“So there I was over Hanoi, the SAM comin’ at me like a telephone pole from hell, and I haul the yoke back like this…”

+7

Dainty fists of fury.

+3

If i only had q balls!

+5

“If one of those black or Hispanic babies makes it out of the womb alive, it’s mine!!”

+2

and then I grabbed the wheel of my kiddie Car and turned hard to the left, narrowly missing that lemonade stand…. and I have been turing hard to the left every since!

+1

I’m Charly!

+2

Fruit Loops are just Gay Cheerios

+6

I can be a rough, tough Dick Cheney, too, if I want to be. (meow)

+1

Farruck!

+2

ROMNEYYYYY!
(Picture Jerry Seinfeld saying NEWMANNNNN!)

Power is back on! No damage!

+6

The Chicken Dance is a big f@#%ing deal.

+2

Aw jeezez, I’m constipated again. Growing old really sucks.

+1

And I grabbed the fu*ker and told him, look man, I have a higher IQ than you man.

+3

“Aw, jeez… That tooth’s throbbin’ again. Hope I can get it fixed before ObamaCare kicks in…”

+1

“And if Romney wins, so help me, I’m gonna choke him with this cellphone cord!”

+3

And I was freakin’ mad, an’ I say to the old man, Charlie, I think, Charlie did your kid always have balls like cue balls? And I meant it. literally not figureativly.

+2

Invisible turkey legs.

+2

Im a perp my derp in yer gerp.

+2

Yeah I understand now that I was only supposed to crap in one hand, but how in the hell am I supposed to wish in the other?

+3

ANAL CRAMP!!!

+1

Oh, where the fugarewe!

+2

I thought this was the little boys room, not the concession announcement.

+1

Put ‘em up, put ‘em up! Which one of you first? I’ll fight you both together if you want. I’ll fight you with one paw tied behind my back. I’ll fight you standing on one foot. I’ll fight you with my eyes closed… ohh, pullin’ an axe on me, eh? Sneaking up on me, eh? Why, I’ll… Ruff! With apologies to the Cowardly Lion.

+6

Eh~ Sexy lady
Op op op op oppan Gangnam Style
Eh~ Sexy lady
Op op op op
Eh eh eh eh eh eh

+2

They can have my multiple ballots when they pry them from my cold, dead hands.

+6

If I get re-elected..this is how I’m gonna fuck the country..
I can’t believe dip-shit Biden is flying into my town tomorrow..the Secret Service has already landed their C-17 cargo plane for that jerk-off.

+3

Sorry to hear that Ricky. Your comment made me thank God again that I live in Dallas and they won’t waste their time here.

I’m still trying to figure out why I see Obama commercials. I assume its because they are national because there’s no winning for them down here.

+3

Who said I was a tight ass??!!! I’ll show ‘em. Get a good wiff of this one!!!!

+1

Faaaarrrrttttt, literally, faaaarrrrtttt!

+1

“Vroom! Vroom! Look! I can dwive a caw! Ahm not wetawded!”

+2

Chuck, I thought I told you to stand up. Don’t make me drag you out of the chair.

+2

So then I told them Tareyton cigarette people “I’d rather fight then switch to thinking”.

+2

iggy pop video

+1

iggy pop video “lust for life” I drive a GTO.

+2

So then I started really whooping Ali in that fight you people probably heard of called “Thrilla in Manilla”, it was there that I decided to become the fighter that I am.

+2

Saying I have intelect is fighting words.

+2

So I grabbed this kid and said “how can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat”

+2

So then Barack the Kenyan wonder looks over at Michelle and yells “Adrianne”

+1

My tricycle is stuck in the mud

+2

So the Black panthers grabbed the old lady and said, “you’d better vote for Barry if you know whats good for you”.

+2

So then I grabbed the man at the Bosley hair transpant institute and said “What do you mean this isn’t covered under Obamacare”?

“They call me plugs for a reason, don’t make me show you why”.

+2

So then I grabbed the dirty Jew and said “Don’t make me send the muslim brotherhood after yo ass, Baracks just itching to give them muzzies some more of your money to wreak havoc on you filthy jews.”

“So send him the campaign money or else”!

+2

So my 10th grade teacher said “show me with your fingers how much is 3 + 2″.

So aftershowing her none, I then explained that this has got to be a trick question”.

+2

So I told George Bush “If you try running for president again, I’m going to whoop you Joe Biden style”, “it must’ve worked because he didn’t try running again”.

+3

After a hard day at the office I like playing “which hand is it in with myself?”

+2

So I leaned back and said to the limo driver “where would you like me to take you?”

+2

So when my kung fu master ask me little grasshopper Biden to take the pebble from his hand I immediately said, “What hand is it in and this is a trick question isn’t it confuscious?”

+2

So I told Barack “you call me mr. Veepee again and we’re going fist-to-cuffs”.

+2

damn I gotta stop eating rice and bananas, someone get me some prune juice, when I get that log out it’s gonna be a big f*ckin deal

+1

So I said to my union friend at the funeral, if this dead guy doesn’t vote for Barack I’m going to sock him with a right and then a left”.

+2

So I grabbed the UN observer and said “what do you mean you want live ammo to protect innocent civilians and women from rape”?

+3

So I grabbed the CBO official and said, “what do you mean 490,000 new applicants filed for unemployment and only 120,000 jobs were created, don’t you understand basic math on why unemployment should officially be at 4%?”

+3

So I grabbed the embassy guy at Libya and said, “its called Libya for a reason, because they are liberals and they love us, so hell no to extra security”.

+2

Someone wipe my ass and turn on the cartoons.

+2

Knowing this was a trick question I immediately asked which 1 is the right hand?”

+2

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids…

With appologies to Scooby Doo!

+1

Oh-oh that wasn’t a fart

+2

These Depends are Great! I can just let ‘er rip!

+2

My fart smells like brain!

+2

I know my ass is back there someplace-or is that a hole in the ground?

+2

I made optimal doody,YYYYYYYEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+1

God Elton, that hurts!

+1

“I am Sam …
errrrr … uhhhhh … Joe!”

0

“Matt Damon said I smart! Can I have Matt’s cookie?”

+1

Joe says, “If nutjob posts one more, I think I’ll scream! Argh!”

0

“As they say in my business, I’m going to give you the whole load today… And here it comes!”

0

So I sits my ass on the john and go into my my two fisted stance, call a press conference and tell the WH press corpse:

‘I’m Going to Give You the Whole Load Today’

Then I gave them this week’s jobs report, and man oh man did it STINK!!!

+1