Mayor Bloomy [Likes Boobies]
NEW YORK – New York City mayor, Michael Bloomberg, announced today that women who choose to forgo the option of an abortion and give birth will be aggressively persuaded to breastfeed their babies. The mayor has ordered hospitals to put baby formula under lock-down and to only provide it after the mother endures a guilt provoking sermon on the advantages of breast feeding. Stopping short of making breastfeeding a law, Bloomberg said he’ll use persuasive methods for several months before imposing prison sentences for mothers who resist his orders to breastfeed. Mayor Bloomberg appeared on the Maury Povich show where he discussed his breastfeeding crusade:
MAURY POVICH: Mayor Bloomberg, thanks for joining us.
BLOOMBERG: It’s always a pleasure to be in front of television cameras.
MAURY POVICH: Mr. mayor, you’ve been awfully busy making laws restricting the freedoms of your citizens. You’ve forced restaurants and food vendors to stop using trans fat and you’ve banned the sale of large-sized sugar-sweetened beverages. In 2002 you banned smoking in restaurants and bars and last year you extended that ban to include parks and beaches. Then last month you authorized NYPD officers to begin executing anyone smoking cigarettes within city limits.
BLOOMBERG: The health and welfare of my followers, I mean, citizens, is my first priority.
MAURY POVICH: Now you want to force women to breastfeed? What’s that all about?
BLOOMBERG: Surprisingly I’ve been able to restrict lots of personal freedoms without the slightest resistance. So the other day when I was really bored I decided it was a good time to force New York women to breastfeed their babies.
MAURY POVICH: It is surprising that New Yorkers are allowing you to exert so much power over them without protest. One of the attractive things about the city has always been its reputation for not having any rules. It used to be said that anything goes in New York.
BLOOMBERG: That’s before I took power, I mean, office. I’m much more intelligent than my citizens so I’ve implemented rules intended to save them from themselves. By doing what I tell them my people will live longer than if they were left to their own counsel. And isn’t living a long, healthy life what it’s all about?
MAURY POVICH: Many think living free is what it’s all about.
BLOOMBERG: (chuckles) Living free is so yesterday, Maury. Living healthy under strictly enforced guidelines handed down by an authority figure who knows better is what people prefer today.
More hilarity HERE