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Let’s Get This Out of the Way Now So the Left Can Relax
PAUL RYAN BEATS HIS PARAKEET AS WELL AS HIS WIFE’S BROTHER WHO IS SORTA GAY AND HE ONCE PUT MASHED POTATOES ON A SCHOOLMATE’S CAFETERIA CHAIR CAUSING THE KID TO GET THE NICKNAME “SPUD PANTS” FOR THE REST OF HIS MISERABLE LIFE AND HE COULDN’T FIND A JOB BECAUSE OF “THE INCIDENT” AND NOW THE GUY LIVES IN A NON-UNION WALMART DUMPSTER WHERE A GUY THAT LOOKS A LOT LIKE PAUL RYAN WAS CAUGHT ON SURVEILLANCE PEEING INTO THE DUMPSTER WHILE LAUGHING AND POINTING AND A GUY WHO KNOWS ANOTHER GUY HAS IT ON GOOD ENOUGH AUTHORITY THAT RYAN RECEIVED A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT BY JUMPING AHEAD OF A BLIND BAY OF PIGS SURVIVOR AND RYAN ISN’T EVEN AN ORGAN DONOR HIMSELF UNLESS YOU COUNT THE BROKEN HAMMOND HE ONCE GAVE A CHURCH WHICH HE LATER PADDED IN VALUE ON HIS TAX RETURNS 6 YEARS AGO AND RYAN ALSO ONCE DEDUCTED A TRIP TO THE MOUNT AIRY LODGE WHICH SOUNDS AN AWFUL LOT LIKE ARYAN AND A GUY WHO WORKS AT NETFLIX SAYS THAT RYAN RENTED AMERICAN HISTORY X SO A-HAA! AND HE RENTED THE BIRDCAGE TOO SO HE’S PROBABLY A CLOSET HOMOPHOBIC FOOT TAPPER.
Have I left anything out, proggies?
norman einstein
August 11th, 2012
Somebody whose cousin went to college with him said that he actually tore the tag off a mattress and just put it in the garbage!
sharon
August 11th, 2012
Perfect! and the run on sentence is just how they speak! You definitely nailed it.
I also hear that Paul Ryan does not like Wisconsin cheese and I think he roots for the LIONS in football..
okay, maybe not the LION part, but I do!!!
Nutjob
August 11th, 2012
I heard he lets the water run when he brushes his teeth, and showers daily….the left is going to have a heyday with this.
Xavier
August 11th, 2012
The New Yorker says: “Ryan has no significant private-sector experience.”
http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2012/08/looks-like-ryan-mitts-pick.html
This makes me smile, and it’s not my friendly smile.
Nutjob
August 11th, 2012
Supposedly Scarey Reed has proof from a reliable source that Ryan lets his car idle when in the drive through lanes at restaurants, Chic-Fil-A is his favorite homo hating fastfood.
I also heard sometimes he lets his bird feeder run out of food.
norman einstein
August 11th, 2012
Ryan has a third cousin who once smoked a cigarette.
I heard that…somebody said it.
Xavier
August 11th, 2012
Ryan is one of those planet destroying monsters who use more than one square in the bathroom.
Jim
August 11th, 2012
Congressional staffers report that in broad daylight Ryan rolled through a stop sign in 2002.
Also it’s been reported that in 2005 he once forgot to wash his hands after using the restroom.
Jim
August 11th, 2012
One overweight staffer has filed a suit against Ryan for drinking diet coke in her presence.
Xavier
August 11th, 2012
2 words: mattress tags.
Stranded in Sonoma
August 11th, 2012
I personally [have heard this from a guy whose best friend's brother-in-law once worked on a car belonging to a "Paul Ryan"] know that Mr. Ryan left empty Old Milwaukee beer cans on the floor of the back seat of his car. I heard it so it must be true.
Xavier
August 11th, 2012
I sense an incoming blather attack from Dingy Harry.
Nutjob
August 11th, 2012
I guy I work with knew a friend of his friend in high school….allegedly he looked at a playboy magazine once….maybe even twice when no one was looking.
Jarhead Cracka
August 11th, 2012
Paul Ryan roots for Da Bears !! And, and, he drinks Budweiser, which is from St. Louis !!
Anonymous
August 11th, 2012
Ryan doesn’t even own a tire gauge to check
his air pressure either.
Diann
August 11th, 2012
HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MOVIE “GLITTER!!!”
Team America
August 11th, 2012
Isn’t he the one that shut down the 13 year-old kids hot dog cart?
Team America
August 11th, 2012
I heard he watches the kardashians for inspiration.
Nutjob
August 11th, 2012
Allegedly he was driving Randy Travis car and fled before the cops arrived, but not until after he removed Travis clothes and laid him out naked in the street.
Xavier
August 11th, 2012
@norman einstein
Shit. I didn’t see the very freakin’ first comment! My apologies. GMTA, etc.
Czar of Defenestration
August 11th, 2012
I read over at Daily Clots that Ryan once stole an ice cream cone from a crippled, black girl at the University of Wisconsin Dairy Bar.
Czar of Defenestration
August 11th, 2012
Ryan pushed Grandma off the cliff.
Oh WAIT…
They actually SAID that already!
Weldor
August 11th, 2012
Yeah, and his birth certificate is a fake, he was born in Canada.
Plus he was complicit in the murder of a federal law enforcement officer by allowing guns to “walk” back into his native country.
Hybrid Lemon
August 11th, 2012
He was seen driving a F-250 through a Chick-fil-A Drive-Thru last week and knocking off the speaker with his side view mirror after he placed his order. Rumors of a cross and a garter belt hanging from his rear view mirror are unconfirmed.
Xavier
August 11th, 2012
@Czar of Defenestration
It was a crippled, black Jewish girl…
-apologies to James G. Watt
reddecaesari
August 11th, 2012
i heard that paul ryan has not paid taxes for twenty years.
Jim
August 11th, 2012
Unnamed sources report that Ryan proclaimed “I can see Chicago from my house!”
simply enraged
August 11th, 2012
Fur, in this universe of incredible iOTW geniuses, you are the head genius! TUs to everyone!
Nutjob
August 11th, 2012
He built a doghouse in woodshop…….everyone knows he didn’t build that.
norman einstein
August 11th, 2012
@Nutjob, he DID build a doghouse…but he used a “kit”.
Cheater!
Chuck U Farley
August 11th, 2012
There are 475 listings of a ‘Paul Ryan’ in a free Zaba-Search.
Some of them are obviously criminal, wife-beater, dog-humping pedophiles and minimum-wage alcoholic food-stamp recipients that pee out of their kitchen window.
Some of them even match Joe Biden’s intelligence…
…I mean how low can one go?!
Nutjob
August 11th, 2012
Its rumored he flushes the toilet after every use.
General Ripper
August 11th, 2012
BFH – you left out that he mistreats animals.
I heard from Harry Reid’s wife’s friend’s cousin that Paul Ryan once doused a cat with gasoline and lit it with a match so he could say he made it bark like a dog when it went WOOF up in flames and then he ate the bbq’d cat as well as a dog he got from the pound.
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serfer62
August 11th, 2012
Yeah…and he failed Calculus in Kindergarden
BigFurHat
August 11th, 2012
General,
Wait, did you think “he beats his parakeet” was a euphemism for,uhh, “slappin’ the monkey”?
if so, I kinda like that one.
dba...vagabond trader
August 11th, 2012
He is into catfish noodling. Peta commercial and billboards within 48 hours.
sablegsd
August 11th, 2012
You guys rock!
dba...vagabond trader
August 11th, 2012
@sablegsd:
What a beautiful pooch!
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