The “What I Miss About America” Contest Has Been Judged and *Stella Paul has a Winner.
Dear Contestants: You’re an amazingly insightful and witty bunch of patriots. I’m sure you’re gorgeous, too, but I can’t prove that. Picking a winner among these gems was torture, but I eased the pain by selecting 17 runner-ups. Congratulations to all the entrants; wild huzzahs to the winners; and thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one who misses the greatness that was America. Let’s get it back, OK?
Mkultra: I miss the America where a college graduate could name the three branches of government.
Mary Jane AnkleStraps: Not having a first lady who dresses like she robbed a thrift store.
Chalupa: Living in a country where the God of Israel is welcome and respected at all times.
Bad Brad: Not constantly worrying about a government that seems to be determined to destroy my business.
Menderman: I miss the America that actually let our soldiers shoot the bad guys.
Jethro: The days when felons were in prison, not the White House guest book.
Big Fur Hat: Not Waking Up Thinking, ”What the Hell Will The President Do Today?”
Toaster: When the idea of Al Sharpton at the White House Prayer Breakfast was a bad joke
Timwi: I miss the optimism, that great American optimism that we are all together and working towards the goal of making America better by our own personal contributions.
Reddeceasari: I miss the abundance of real men and true ladies
not players and hos
Cfm990: When NASA reached for the stars. Not the crescent moon.
DBad: What I miss about America is the time when a billion dollars was a lot of money.
Steaming Pyle: I miss the time when every dull, bratty kid didn’t have stratospheric self-esteem.
Sybill: When I could exhibit my patriotism by waving flags, saying the Pledge, singing God Bless America, and not being placed on a right-wing terrorist watchlist by Homeland Security.
StarThrower: I miss the bust of Winston Churchill.
Freeman SavemeSarah: 100,000,000 fewer laws
Norman Einstein: Being able to tell your kids that if they worked hard, their efforts would be rewarded
AND THE WINNER IS:
CallMeLennie: The days when I didn’t feel I had to get personally involved to save this country
-Lennie, send your mailing address to email@example.com-
*Write Stella Paul at firstname.lastname@example.org
Thank you Stella for being a wonderful judge!