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Thank Michelle Obama When Your Snickers Bar Shrinks

Home - by - May 21, 2012 - 10:30 America/New_York - 16 Comments

I noticed she still hasn’t made her own ass shrink. – Cardigan

Lonely Conservative

Reason’s Greg Beato tells the story of a Colorado snowmobiler who got swept up in an avalanche and was stranded for 5 days before rescuers could get to him. Luckily he had a 550 calorie king-sized Snickers bar to help sustain him through his ordeal. Well, thanks to Michelle Obama and her “Let’s Move” campaign, the Mars company is shrinking its candy bars, and the king-sized version will no longer be available.

Future avalanche victims had better hope for a faster rescue team. Mars Inc., the manufacturer of Snickers, is phasing out chocolate products that exceed 250 calories per portion as part of an agreement with Partnership for a Healthier America (PHA). Founded in 2010 in conjunction with the Let’s Move! program, First Lady Michelle Obama’s government initiative aimed at shaping up the nation’s youth, PHA has a mandate to “monitor and publicly report on the progress” of partners such as Mars and, more generally, to “make the healthy choice the easy choice.”


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  1. Nunya

    May 21st, 2012

    WHAT???!!! Mooch is killing the King Size Snickers bar???!!!


    Thumb up +6

  2. jwm

    May 21st, 2012

    First they came for the smokers.
    I saw this coming years ago. I remember telling people that the tobacco nazis wouldn’t stop with tobacco. Just wait, I said. You’ll see the day when the government starts going after candy and soda pop. Nobody took me seriously.


    Thumb up +7

  3. Horrorman18

    May 21st, 2012

    I noticed she still hasn’t made her own ass shrink. – Cardigan

    Where do you think the rest of those candy bars are going…Fed EX will be making a lot of trips to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue I’ll bet

    Thumb up +4

  4. Elwin Ransom

    May 21st, 2012

    This solves everything. Well, except for the part about me buying three 250 calorie bars instead of one 550 calorie bar. But other than that, problem solved! Hooray for Michelle!

    But what’s next? Maybe Whitman samplers with only one sample? Hooray again!

    God damn it Gump, er, I mean Michelle! You’re a god damn genius!

    Thumb up +4

  5. Blink

    May 21st, 2012

    An email response from Mars sent in February -

    In response to your email regarding MARS CHOCOLATE NORTH AMERICA.

    Mars Chocolate North America has no intention of discontinuing its KING SIZE / tear and share product offerings.

    Any statement that has appeared in the media claiming the end of Mars’ King Size/Tear and Share Product offerings is incorrect.

    Mars Chocolate North America has a broad-based commitment to health and nutrition, and this includes a number of global initiatives — our industry-leading 2007 announcement to no longer market our chocolate products directly to children under 12; a category-first calories on front-of-pack label; complete elimination of trans fat; a meaningful reduction in saturated fat;

    – and efforts to manage portions and calories.–

    [: - ( manage portions?? if the King Size Snickers has its portion managed is it still a King Size ? , I don' think so. ]

    In addition, we’ve introduced several new products that are well under 200 calories. You can learn more by visiting


    Have a great day!

    Your Friends at Mars Chocolate North America.

    Typical double-speak. They’re not discontinuing the king-size bar. They’re just changing its definition.

    Is Mitt or the GOP in general making any noise about getting government interference out of our everyday lives ???

    “If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. ” – Alice in Wonderland

    Thumb up +4

  6. Noodengr

    May 21st, 2012

    I need to get the duct tape out to keep my head from exploding ( thank you Glen B for the idea)
    This is getting out of hand. The sooner nov arrives and her days are numbered grabbing control of my life she can go on her merry way grabbing food to shove down her throat.
    Get the hell out of our lives first wookie!

    Thumb up +3

  7. ChrisS

    May 21st, 2012

    If the government can mount a movement to shrink Snickers Bars then maybe Mars should start a movement to shrink government with the slogan “Smaller government = Bigger candy bars!”.

    Thumb up +5

  8. Screwy Puppy

    May 21st, 2012

    There’s been this continual assault on or food for the good of the people. There was also a recent article suggesting a 20% tax on fatty foods. 20%!


    Thumb up +2

  9. Screwy Puppy

    May 21st, 2012

    “on our food” – I guess I skinny fingured that. Damn candybars are so small and expensive that I’m light-headed from the starvation.

    Thumb up +2

  10. old_oaks

    May 21st, 2012

    I’ll easily consume a bag and a half of “Bite Sized” Snickers in one episode of whatever gay shit is on tv.

    And to think there wasn’t a single “King Sized” bar in either bag?

    At any rate, I also carry Snickers bars while snowmobiling in addition to some sort of meat like jerky or smoked pork.

    Thumb up +2

  11. Troy

    May 21st, 2012

    I thought democrats favored “choice”?

    Thumb up +3

  12. willie t

    May 21st, 2012

    I noticed she still hasn’t made her own ass shrink. – Cardigan

    Mooch’s ONLY example of American exceptionalism:

    Packing a Pair of Asses Into a Pair of Pants

    Thumb up +2

  13. the aardvark

    May 21st, 2012

    And they’ll probably charge more for a smaller sized Snickers bar. I only buy them anymore when my local Safeway has them on sale for buy one get one free.

    Thumb up 0

  14. Morgan Michaels

    May 21st, 2012

    Only when the choice is death, Troy.

    Abortion. Hypothermia. Starvation. Abandoning your mind. Surrendering volition to the state.

    All valid choices.

    Soda, fries and candy, enemies of the people. I’m sure some people around here would know firsthand, were the Soviets ever this inane and banal?

    Thumb up +1

  15. Mary Jane Anklestraps

    May 21st, 2012

    If I have to bootleg candy, I will do it. LOL

    GTH, Michelle, and the Bantha you rode in on.

    Thumb up 0

  16. Major Mal function

    May 22nd, 2012

    You can tell when this happens since there will be Moose’s teeth marks on one end.

    Thumb up 0